If you would like to add your personal story of being young and gay to this page then please email us with what you would like to say. For more information about HIV, AIDS and sexuality please click on the teens section. If you are looking for information on resources, youth groups, helplines etc, please go our resources page.
There are lots of different viewpoints shown on this page. The letters posted here show a cross-section of the different opinions that people hold.
| Corey | David | Bryn | Sheldon |
| Evan | Jason | Tyler | Kyle |
| Chris | My secret | Cameron | Ben |
| Matthew | Liam | Blake | Jack |
Corey
I’ll never forget the night a man named Dennis Jernigan came to minister to my church. I was only thirteen, but I was passionate for an experience with God. He led the congregation in songs that he had written, and each one seemed as if it had been written for me. There was something about this man that seemed so familiar to me but I could not pinpoint it. It seemed as if we both had a secret we wanted no one to know. During the middle of his presentation, Dennis stopped singing and began to tell his story. As I listened I could feel blood rushing to my face. Tears started rolling down my cheeks. It seemed he spoke directly at me. He was telling my story. Dennis was talking about being gay.
It had only been about a year since I realized that the desires I had, to be held and loved by a man, actually had a name. At the same time I learned that those desires are not socially acceptable to most people. In my faith tradition homosexuality was one of the most horrible sins someone could commit. I can recall hearing my own minister loudly declaring from the pulpit, “Homosexuality is an abomination to God punishable by death! We must rid the world of this sickness that is overcoming mankind. We must protect our children.” I feared it was to late for me. There was no way out. No hope at all until I heard Dennis Jernigan.
Dennis told the congregation how God had miraculously set him free from homosexuality. I listened intently. Maybe there is hope for me. If God can take this away from Dennis Jernigan then I’m sure He can do the same for me. At that moment I set out on a quest to find freedom. I began praying and asking God to heal me. I read my Bible more diligently. I constantly read Christian books and listened to Christian teaching tapes. I never missed a service at church. I became a leader in my youth group. I started a Christian club at school. I watched Christian television and only listened to Christian music. Maybe if I did enough for God He would take these sinful homosexual thoughts out of my mind, but the torment never let up.
As I grew older the suffering grew worse. Would I ever find freedom? Every chance I had I would have people pray for me. I went through “deliverance” trying to have demons cast out of me. I had big name televangelists lay hands on me to set me free. Countless nights I would cry myself to sleep begging God to change me. Nothing seemed to help at all.
On the outside I led the perfect Christian life. I didn’t drink or go to parties. I witnessed about my faith. I never cursed. I didn’t have sex. I didn’t even date. I was the one parents always trusted their children to hang out with. But night after night when I was all alone I knew the truth. I had a secret sin. One that seemed unpardonable. All though I had never acted on my desires, in my mind I constantly imagined what it would be like to be held by another man, or to kiss another man, or more. I feared I would be unable to hold back my feeling much longer.
By my freshman year of college I heard about an “ex-gay” counseling ministry in Oklahoma City that claimed they could transform a person into a normal heterosexual. I began attending both individual counseling sessions as well as a group session once week. The program did little then encourage me to continue what I had already been doing for the past six years. Pray, read the Bible, avoid evil and temptation, and try to be as straight as possible. I stuck with the program for about a year until I had finished their “Living Waters” curriculum. It had supposedly helped “thousands”, but I was just as gay when I left as when I started.
I was reaching the end of my rope. I didn’t know what else to do. At this point giving in to my desires was not an option. I believed to do that would mean condemning myself to hell for all eternity. I wanted to be healed just like Dennis Jernigan. I wanted to be set free and able to marry a woman and have a family just like my ex-gay counselors. Why did God love them more then me? Why did He set them free and leave me dieing? I decided the only way to prove to others that I had been good enough do deserve God’s healing was to just pretend He had healed me.
May 25, 1997 I began sharing a new story of how God had “set me free of homosexuality”. I shared with my family, and told my best friends. I even began to travel to different churches across Oklahoma and eventually in to Missouri, Arkansas, and Kansas preaching and telling them how God had “set me free”. I decided if that if I was going to claim to be free I might as well marry a woman, start a family, and grow my ministry all on the basis that I was an “ex-gay”. The whole time I knew on the inside I was living a lie, and every moment I dug my grave deeper and deeper.
Luckily, I somehow got hold of a book written by Rev. Mel White called Stranger at the Gate: To Be Gay and Christian in America. As I read the book, it felt as if Mel had written about my own story. He explained how for years he had struggled to be free from homosexuality and nothing ever worked. He described his love for God, and how he developed a successful ministry. How he married a wonderful woman and raised a family. All the time denying his true self. Eventually he could live a lie no longer. He left his wife and children and began living as a gay man.
He continues his story detailing how eventually he also came to terms with his faith, and came to believe God loves him just as he is. Unfortunately the latter part of his story did not quite sink in to me. All I could focus on was how he had left his family and lost his ministry. Those were two things I did not want to happen to me, but I felt they were inevitable. I knew eventually I would not be able to hide my true feelings any more. I would end up destroying my family and my ministry. In my heart I believed that there was only one way to prevent such a tragedy. I would never let any of it happen in the first place. I could not get married or have a family. I would discontinue my ministry. And I would embrace “the gay lifestyle”. To do this would mean eternal damnation, but in my mind I was sacrificing my life for that of my future family and those involved with my ministry.
Within only one week of making this decision, I told my family and friends that I had been living a lie. They all knew how hard I had fought to be set free, and like me they all believed I would be destined for hell if I gave into me sexual desires. Many tried to get me to change me mind, but I assured them I had made my decision and it was the only way. Some refused to speak to me. Others like my grandmother wrote me letters and constantly called me on the phone begging me not to give up. My grandmother even made the statement that if I was going to hell then she wanted to go too, because heaven would not be heaven for her with out me there.
The pain was worse now then ever. Not only had I lost my dream to have a wife and children, I had also lost my dream to have a ministry. I had lost my friends. I had lost my family. I had lost my God. I had lost my total reality. I came extremely close to taking my own life.
On a particular Sunday morning in January of 1999 I found myself in church. The denomination really makes no difference. I believe were ever I would have been that day God would have found me. Near the end of the service the minister lifted up a piece of bread and the cup of wine that was to be used for communion, and she said, “These are the gifts of God for the People of God.” Suddenly my heart leaped inside me. I realize that I had come to God’s house, and He was asking me to eat at His table. In that instant I knew God loved me. I knew He wanted to be apart of my life no matter who I was. I knew unlike me friends and family He would never turn me away. Now that I had finally given up trying to be good enough for God, He was able to help me understand He loves and created me just the way I am. Finally my search for freedom was over. Now I am finally free.
David
Well... My name is David and I'm 14 years old. I live in Virginia and was raised semi-liberally, semi-conservative Catholic...ally?
Anyways, I first realized I was gay when I stumbled upon some porn back when I was 9. The thing was, I spent all of the time looking at the guys and not the girls. That's when I notced something different.
The whole issue came up again in the Summer of 2002, right before 5th grade. I was on a camping trip, and I fooled around once with another guy there. Just innocent little kid stuff. That's when I really started thinking about it. Nothing much else happened there, and we only saw each other once after the camping trip.
Then when I got into 6th grade, I saw this really cute guy at my school and that's when it seriously hit me. I was gay.
I was definitely not ashamed of who I was, but other people are just so prejudiced. Heterosexuality is so widely assumed that gay and lesbian people are seriously discriminated. In my school, "gay" is synonymous with "retard".
Then, I saw the same guy in 7th grade. We became really good friends that year.
8th grade was and still is a rough time. I realized how much I cared for that guy when he broke his leg in a baseball accident in August. It took me 3-and-a-half months to come out to him and tell him that I was gay. It was right after New Year's Day, January 2, 2006. He was okay with it and said that there was nothing wrong with being gay.
Ever since then, I've slowly been coming out to my friends. All of them are okay with it, but that's because I've been taking careful steps. My life is like a minefield: one wrong step and *BOOM*.
Speaking of, I made a wrong step a week after I came out. I got in trouble at school and I knew that my parents would be fuming that I did something bad at school. Their entire association with me relies in my school life.
Not suprisingly, my dad was hyperventilating when he came home that day. I was worried that he was going to "get rid" of me, so I did somethign that was somewhere between stupid and reckless. I told that guy that I thought he was cute. It was something I had to say, kind of like a last will.
It wasn't something big, like "I have a crush on you and I love you." (Which was what I actually felt for him), but it still had a pretty big impact. We were talking over the internet that time and he "had to log off". Ever since that incident, he avoided me, both at school and on the internet. I was seriously hurt, not because he didn't share the same feelings that I did, but because I felt like I had lost a friend.
We eventually made up and became friends again. My life is still shaking from the incident, but I'm recuperating right now, as I type this.
The two people I know should never, ever know about me being gay are my parents. Even though they are semi-liberal, they are also very religious and are only okay with gay people as long as they are not related to them. If I ever tried coming out to them... They would disown me... Or worse...
This whole experience, all 3-and-a-half months of it, has helped me learn a lot about myself. Despite the hardships, I think it was definitely worth it.
Right now, I'm just trying to live my life. I plan on coming out to more of my friends in the near future. I know that even though I may be different, they will probably accept me. They are my friends, and that won't ever change. I'm also trying to make a band. I play guitar, the guy I came out to first plays bass, and we know two people that play guitar and drums.
If i could give advice about coming out, I would have to say that you might want to tread carefully. However, friendships should not change becaus eof one thing. If you buy a CD, does it change because you're gay? If you get an A on a test, does it change because you're gay? If you break your arm, does it change if you're gay? The answer to all of these is "No". If one of your friendsthinks otherwise, then he or she isn't a true friend.
-David
Bryn
I have known I was gay since I was eleven. I don't know how I decided, but I kept quiet about it, not even confiding in any of my friends or family. Before that I had always noticed men's physiques but had always thought it was hero worship, because they were all on the rugby and football teams, but then I realised that it wasn't and that I was gay.
To me it didn't really mean anything. I went to parties, I kissed girls rather than boys and although I never actually had a real girlfriend nobody actually guessed.
The term "gay" was starting to be used as an insult at school but in general I ignored it and got on with work and life in general. My first experience was when I lived at my old house, and I met a group of friends; there were eleven of us altogether, and I met my first boyfriend. He'd always been out to everyone and everyone liked him, and despite the rumours about his past we started going out - of course, in secret, if only for my sake. I was younger than him, and had never done anything before with another guy, so it was a lot of groundbreaking; he, obviously, was more experienced.
However, four months into our relationship I had to move house, and things got awkward. Eventually we broke up, and although the ground was slightly scorched we still talked. I have always been at the same school but nonetheless moving house was a complete environment change and in a way I despised it.
Only days after the new house had been finalised I was in the IT room at School, alone, and had been browsing online for nothing in particular. I came across a gay youth website - unfortunately not this one, which I found a little later - and read a few stories about people coming and all their friends being fine and stuff. One in particular that caught my eye was about a 15 year old guy called Simon who came out to his best friends via an e-mail. So, that's what I did; I wrote an e-mail to my 2 best mates and waited for the reactions to come flooding in.
They were all fine. A couple mentioned they'd guessed, but while most where shocked none of them minded at all.
If I had to advise anyone as to how to go about, I'd probably say to them to tell the person they most trust, and then as their confidence grows to tell more people. Make sure that no one who you don't want to know doesn't know but always, always prepare for people to find out. I must sound like a right know-it-all or something, but never mind... if one person finds this at all useful then I'll be happy.
From Bryn
Sheldon
I'm 16 and very much gay. I'm not your usual teen as I become friends with intelligent adults easily. I also become friends with girls my age easier because the boys my age are mostly immature. I was sexually molested at the of 4 by a woman looking after me while my dad was working. I began to notice something wrong with me.
My dad had a friend who had a daughter who was supposedly my girlfriend. One night she slept over at my house. We were watching Cartoon Network when she suddenly asked me,"Let's have sex". I kept on brushing her off and making excuses until she fell asleep. I felt so relieved. The thought of having sex with her made me feel disgusted. That's when I realized something wasn't right.
Grade 5 came my way. I wasn't exactly popular, in actual fact I was the complete opposite. Towards the end, I began to notice guys, which made me hate phys ed (because I was scared the others would notice I was staring in all the wrong places). The following year I was meant to do home schooling, but that didn't go as planned. I ended up staying at home.
It was 2001. My mother had subsribed to a clothing shop magazine, and it being February and all. I saw the magazine lying on the table in the lounge. The first few pages were mainly women, it didn't catch any form of interest in my mind. That made me realize I didn't have any form of interest in women. Then I flipped the page and I was gobsmacked. A really HOT guy in underwear. My heart pounded and I felt a new emotion - attraction. It felt so wonderful, to the extent that I felt like crying. That's when I realized my homosexuality was very much real.
In October, my parents, sister and I went to the sea. My mother bought Not Another Teen Movie on dvd (she's into rap aswell). So we watched one night and the scene with Jake with nothing on but whipped cream really turned me on and this - was my first crush.
I went to a new school the following year. At first I didn't make many friends. Then one day they were having a wrestling competition. The said I have a good and asked if I would join in. That's when I began to hang out with the popular guys and met my best friend, Tom. The following year I felt confident enough to come out, but that's where things went wrong.
Tom turned his back on me, I was ridiculed at school most of the time, my marks dropped alot and my parents didn't react well at all. I thought my life was over, until I met a guy.We dated a while, then began to sleep with each other. This continued into my high school days. Then I started coming out to people yet again. I even told some people at school about my boyfriend (BIG MISTAKE)!!!
The school found out and wanted to expel me for 'engaging in homosexual activities'. I freaked. I told my boyfriend, then he broke up with me and never spoke to me again. I then told the school that I made him up and just wanted to make friends. They asked if I was willing to get a physical check to see if I was penetrated, but I refused. They didn't buy my story, but let me off.
Then I went and done a stupid thing and confronted a gared 11 girl about a memory I had where she flashed me long ago. But she didn't know I am gay and told the school that I sexually harassed her (that I wanted her to flash me again). The school bought her story and I had her friends threatening me. My mother was told the school's version of the story so I got slapped a couple of times.
Then eventually I told her the story of boyfriend and the way treated my dad that day. I also told her my side of the story. Then she seemed angry but not at me. Then she said that she will stand by me no matter what. She called the school and said she's going to get a lawyer. She also mentioned the that these people were threatening me.
The next day I went to school in a better mood than I usually had been. The one friend of this girl's came up to me and tried to hit me. Luckily someone stopped her. That's when I broke down. I couldn't stop crying. They stuck me into a group therapy thing with boys accused of RAPE.
I went back to that school the foolowing year, and I don't know why. It was OK though. Now I'm doing home schooling. My dad's still not ok with me being gay, but my mom is. I really saw how much she cares for me. I don't really have boyfriends now but, suprisingly, I'm allowed. People say this is a phase I'm going through, but that's not true. I really love men and I can't live without them. I really had a hard time when coming out but what kept me going, and still keeps me going on, is the fact that there is one person out there for me and, now, I have to say - it was worth it.
Evan
Hello! My name is Evan, and I for a fact know that I am indeed gay. I am 16 though, which may seem a little young for some people, or maybe not. Studies are showing that homosexuals recall having same-sex feelings at a young age. When I was very young, around the age of 7, I do recall wanting to have a boyfriend, and wanting to kiss other boys my age. I didn't know I was totally different, but I knew something was up.
Coming out was really hard for me to do, and I had to deal with a lot of shit trying to accept myself. I am still not 100% there. While I was around 10 or 11, I knew what being gay was. I would pray to God to have him change me, and I would spend hours weeping over this subject. I told myself that it was "Just a phase" as I have heard many times. As I got older, around the age of 15, I started to come out to myself. But instead of calling myself gay, I went with bisexual. As soon as I told myself I was bisexual, I felt so free! I told all my friends and one of my friend's was bi as well, and we dated for a bit. The school found out, and none of them really care, which is great.
But, I am not bisexual. I was too afraid to come out to my friends, but I have. And I told them I am gay, and so did my ex, he wasn't bi either.
I have tried to force myself to like straight porn or the idea of having sex with women, and I am starting to find out that it doesn't work and it's not good to do. I am getting to the point where I don't care about my sexuality, and having a wonderful boyfriend helps (He is my life, and I just have to say that, I love you!!)
Anyways, I want to give other teens some advice and tips:
1. As much as you don't want to be gay, there's no way to get around it. Take your time and breathe in, you are not alone. It might be a while, but you CAN accept yourself at one point in time.
2. There are three steps of coming out:
A) Coming out to yourself; admitting.
B) Accepting your sexuality, realizing you are indeed homosexual.
C) Embarcing it; basically not caring about how you are.
I myself am around the third (C) step, I'm getting there!
3. If you are feeling down, you can always find places to get support. I recommend visiting a good website called FACES. www.freewebs.com/facesgroup or www.facesgroup.tk. I will help you all, and I'm sure some of you can teach me other hints! Don't be afraid to ask me questions, I know a lot of things about sexuality becuase I have studied.
Thank you for taking your time out to read this!
I love you all! And have a wonderful life!
-Evan
--
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem
AVERT.org: For more advice, information and suggested resources, see our gay and lesbian section.
Jason
My life is changing. I'm 20 years old and i just came out to my parents yesterday, both of whom are accepting, but are in the "wierded out" phase. And just for general purposes i came out as bi, which as of now that's what i am.
i came across this website and some of the stories just touched me. to find people that are going through, or have gone through the same thought process that i am going through now, especially all the younger people.
as for my history, yes i am still a virgin in every way, with both men and women, i have not done anything, which just shows that my feelings aren't just pure sexual and i didn't just one day decide hey i like boys, but this is something that's just who i am and a part of me. Like most of the stories, i too at a young age was different. All of my best friends have always been girls, even at the time when girls are supposed to be yucky, lol. but i've always known i've been off, and behinds everyones back i too would also sneak the peeks and check out the others guys, but always be too afraid to act on it, and this was my down fall.
for the longest time, i always denied myself any of these feelings and would just bury them. but as my life rpogressed and i attempted to ask girls out and try to find a grilfriend, it would always end with the same thing, "let's just be friends." it wasn't until about last year that i have just had enough and was tired of being alone, and since the girls weren't woking out, guys started looking more and more interesting, though i was still to scared to act upon it.
the feelings of lonliness and being down built up inside me for over a year, just trying to hide them, until i couldn't take it anymore and now my parents and friends know how i am. i do have to say that comming out has given me a liberating feeling, especially with my friends, but it still feels a little wierd around my family, which i guess could be expected since my dad told me that he was totally caught off gaurd by my decision. that was the totally opposite from my friends, they were actauuly relieved when i told them, b/c they kinda knew for a while anyways.
being bi right now is who i am, because i am attracted to men, but women also. my only understanding is that is probably is my lack of experience that makes me bi at the moment. i may one day decide that woment just aren't my thing, even though i would love to have a child one day, but my main reason for comming out, is for love. i know it's generic, but just to find someone, whether man or woman, and experience love and wanting from them is my ultimate goal.
i know my story is a little long, but i do want to offer my support and prayers to all who are going through this as well. i know it's not an easy thing, because believe me, no one has stronger courage than a person who finally comes out to their parents and faces it head on. it really does feel like a weight has been lifted and i can finally be true to myself. you all just have to have strength.
Tyler
Hello,
My Name is Tyler and IM 16 and live in Florida and I am a homosexual. Since the day I was born I have been quite an oddball. I enjoyed doing a lot of things that most of society said was wrong. Like dressing up a girls clothing and putting on my mothers lipstick. Also I had hated sports but I loved to watch musicals and do Ballet. I overcame all of society's taboos though by letting myself know that no matter what "I, AM WHAT AM" By the time I was about 11 I knew I had an attraction to other boys. I didn't know what the meaning of this was until 7th grade when I declared myself bisexual. I then had my first relationship with another boy when I was 14. That same year I declared myself Gay. I also came out to the new school I was attending and my friends and in April of 2003 I told my Mother I was gay. She told me ever since I was little that she would always love me for me. And she stood by that when I told her. I now stand here knowing who I am and not caring what people think of me. My advice to all young and older men is, that no matter who you are, you are what you are and no one can stop you.
With All My Heart, Tyler
P.s. May All Your Dreams Come True
Kyle
HI my name is Kyle...I've read alot of these stories and It makes me feel so much better about this situation...ok mines really long but good.
It all started when I was in the 4th grade. I have grown up in West Virginia in a VERY REDNECK town and yes its very hard. as I grew up I first realized that I was attracted towards boys when I was probably 9 years of age. there was a boy who was in my 4th grade class I had been going to school with him since I was in the second grade. Well I started feeling I guess you would call it “homosexual puppy love” towards him. And one day I found out that my best friend had felt the same way and it all started with some immature game we called Tad Bit Gay - yes Tad Bit Gay - like I said it was immature. But later we both ended up admitting that we had feelings towards this boy. I am now 17 years old and so is my best friend. He has completely changed his ways or so I think he has but hes happily dating a girl.
But anyways that all came to pass and I ended up going to middle school. Starting on my 6th grade year I really started feeling attracted to guys my friends were all looking at the girls and I had my eyes on the boys. As sick as this may sounds but im giving you the honest truth I had two cousins whos mom later married a man who had a son named tom. well tom at this day is a huge hick but in the past as I was going through middle school and so was he we used to mess around all the time.
One day we were in my cousins’ room and Tom came up with a game. well I was going over to my Aunts house and watching porno I AM as bad as it sounds but very Horny so his game was called “Party” and the game was to act as if our girlfriends were in the room and jack off well we all went along with it and it later came to more than that we got bored with that so one day I told Tom that maybe we should do more like with each other so he agreed and we did a lot of things that we didn’t even know what was called. we just did it. so it went on for about 3 years until I hit High School.
I have a friend named Pete who was a lot closer to me in the 9th grade than he is today. well I never had feelings to Tom at all I wasn’t even attracted to him really its just that I liked boys and he was the only one I could have at the time. so Pete was my best friend at the time and I had him over a lot but never could get him to do anything. the one and only thing he ever did was put his hand on my face while we were sleeping and at the time for some reason I thought it was amazing he began to play with my hair and I thought that maybe he felt the same way that I did but later found out that he was completely straight and def not gay. So I was heartbroken. I thought that I was in love and it killed me.
So I went into my sophomore year and it was the worst year of my life. I have always been a man man - I hunt I play sports a little - I just acted like a boy and no one would ever suspect it. But I never really had any friends through my middle school to 10th grade year. So I ended up being extremely quiet throughout my sophomore year. I joined the choir and noticed that there were many gay guys in that class. I never told them anything and basically called them fags along with the few guys that weren’t gay in the class. I thought about Pete all the time. I called him so many times to see if he would come over or just hang out with me but he always thought of an excuse. I had always tried to be excepted in the “Popular Crowd” but could never succeed so my sophomore year went by and it was horrible and then came the best year of my life. my best friend still today on the second day of class for my junior year asked me to go on a trip with him.
well I went and had sooo much fun. Will had always been a jerk throughout school he was the smart ass guy that everyone loved for some reason and was very popular. Hes very athletic and hunts and does everything a man does no one would ever suspect him to be gay or bi but we went on the trip and after that spent time together everyday. hes the reason today why I am so popular at school. its my seniors year now and I have sooo many GREAT friends. I can get along with almost anyone but about 2 months after me and Will started hanging out he decided to invite people to my house after our homecoming football game lol yes he invited them but it made me happy.
I had not had any friends over since Pete had stopped hanging out with me. Ill never forget that night. We rented a movie and had a blast but as everyone began to fall asleep it was just me Will and my other good friend in my bed. well everyone was asleep and the movie was still playing. Will was in the middle of me and my other friend. So I took the chance and started rubbing Wills leg very lightly. I still today have no idea why I chose him out of all people considering hes the most non acting gay person I’ve ever met but I kept rubbing his leg and going farther up towards his “Private Area” and I was doing this for my own pleasure I never even dreamed that he would interact with me but as I got closer to his “Private Area” he began to kind of move his boxers around until his “Private Area” came out and grabbed my hand and placed it on it.
well I was so shocked but soo happy that I got sick and had to get up and go to the bathroom. I couldn‚t believe it I felt like I was going to puke. so I went back to the bed and began to play with his “Private Part” a lil more. I decided to take it slow and left it at that for the night. the next day I went to school and completely thought that my life was over. I cant live without Will and I seriously thought that he was never going to talk to me anymore or act like he doesn’t know me (feel weird around me). but I get to school and he talks away and acted like it never happened and like it was ok.
so months passed and we kept fooling around but I hate it because we always acted as if we were asleep and I was always the one doing the action. he would once in awhile give me a little nudge to wake me up or maybe move his penis around when I would grab it. But none of our friends had any idea about it. they thought that he was def straight and would never think that Will was gay because there was soo many times when he would have sex with girls at parties. it would make me sooo mad because I AM in love with Will and to see him having sex or know that he had or was having sex with a girl killed me. we had messed around as in (Oral Sex and handjobs) for about 8 months.
Well its my senior year now and I have great friends we’ve been through soo much together and the great thing is that my friends now know. I told all of them because I felt that I needed to “Come Out” so I told them - well most of them - but they all excepted it and Im extremely happy. but Will now has been dating a girl for about 3 months. I hate it. I love him sooo much just to be around him is the best moments of my life. Theres so many memories of us and our friends together. I was a great kid until my junior year. I smoke pot now, drink, and cuss. I have gotten into some trouble not with the law but at school. I had been caught smoking about 4 times by my parents and I was fed up.
I one day at work decided to tell my parents everything. so I called mom and asked if I could come home early because we needed to talk. I had just got caught for the fourth time smoking ciggs that day. so I go home and tell them that yes I smoke I drink and that I think im gay. I thought that my life was going to be over. But they took it great. they were a little sad about knowing that im gay and worried that my younger brother might some day feel the same way but I told them that its def not something anyone chooses we just cant help it.
But to this day I think about Will every minute of my life I’m friends with his girl friend and shes a great girl!...one of the best I know...Wills a bad guy and shes a good girl but they‚ve never had sex. he wants to but she wont. I look back at all the great times with Will. there is sooo much to type. I think about him when I wake up in the morning and before I go to sleep. hes amazing. Im so worried that I will never get to be with Will in that way ever again and I hate it. hes perfect for me. So now I have no idea if hes gay or If hes Bi or what im scared of - in love with his girl friend.
Wills parents could never accept it like mine can. they would kill him. And im afraid that he will hide it all of his life because of this reason. I wish the day would come were he would come and talk about it towards me. Id rather him tell me hes never going to be like that again than to keep me waiting. Im heartbroken. I have a great life, great friends, great family but without him im lost.
And I also worry about going to hell because of my sexuality but I cant help it. Ive been like this all of my life and I believe in god but I don’t believe that people like me and you are going to go to hell because of our sexuality. If that was the case it would be a choice not something we’re born with.
But like I said it was going to be long. But I had plenty of time to type this considering im in after school detention. But thanks soo much for reading this and I can only hope that it helps someone out there these stories have touched my heart and I hope that my story touches yours
Thanks Kyle
Chris
Well, my name is Chris, I'm 13, I live in a small Suburban town in Missouri. Everyone here is either preppy, athletic, or gothic. Except for me. I have known I have had an attraction to boys for a while. I started looking at porno when I was 11, it was straight, but I always found myself looking at the guy. I was raised by both my grandparents and my mother. My grandparents are Ultra-conservative Protestants, but my mom is a die hard liberal.
I have struggled with the "Am I gay" thing since I was about 10, I have always been the guy that sits around with the girls while the guys go out and play football or wrestle. I never liked to do anything that the other guys did and when "dating" rolled around in 4th grade, that was it. I knew there was something "wrong" with me because I wanted to go out with the guys in my school, rather than the hot blonde girls everyone else talked about.
Right now, I am really struggling. I like this guy in my gym class, but the problem is, we're friends. He loves girls, I know that for sure. I have always tried to like girls, but I find myself looking over my shoulder in gym and thinking "Wow, that guy cute".
I am really confused right now, and could use some support, seeing as how, "coming out" doesn't seem to be an option here. I find myself wanting to skip school, especially in Health and gym classes.
Thanks,
Chris
--xXx--
My secret
I pray that no one I know ever reads this. It a seceet I've had for about a year im atracted to guys.Im 14 and At school I have friends that are boys but manely im friends with girlspeaple some times say your gay and i just said i am because im happy im not like you but thay say it to every one ive kept it a seceret.i thought i liked guys because peaple called me that i thought i was starting to belive them i told my self it was just a faze but it stayed. ive often hade girl friends but i do drama so im agood acter and make myself like them but few weeks ago i was kissing a girl and i noticed she had slight hair around her mouth it grossed me out but i said nothing. we've broken up. but yesterday night some thing happend on the 20th of december 2005 my friend {a boy} was sleeping over we had 2 single matreses on the flour sightly apart. i was talking to him about a book and he fell asleep {it wasnt a boring book its harry potter} but i taped him on th sholder he was asleep i watched him i looked at his face my heart pownded it was more scary than a rolercoster, holding a snake or watching a horror movie and id done all, but i had to i leand over and kissed his cheek, i softly rubed my hands through his hair, felt his face, i put my hand on his lower back and kissed his lips witch had a slight fuzz to but it turnd me on it felt right. I licked his cheek his mouth opend slightly i kissed him a little more on the lips. i went back to my bed he was still asleep thank god. in the morning he said nothing he never new but i never want him to.
Cameron
Hi my name is cameron,i am 14 and i strongly believe that i am a homosexual.It all began when i was a young child in elementary that i noticed i had an attraction to men.Of course i did think that some women looked good,but i never wanted to have sex with them,i would always enjoy looking at movies which stared cute guys with my family,i also enjoyed looking at movies where there would be gay scenes.I come from a family that wouldnt accept my homosexuality,but its really not hard to keep it a secret.When i am at school i sort of act gay but people still think im straight,thats what im trying to do right now. i have had experiences with some guys and they didnt tell anyone that i was gay.Even if they did i could say that they had sex with me and that would mean that they are gay too.There are alot of hot guys at my school and i just cant help but stare.Sometimes i do get mocked at school and called gay of faggot,but i would just act like ! it offended me so noone would think that i was.i also really loved listning to girl music i never really like guy music.Well thats all.
Accept who u are.
Ben
ok...well i just saw this site and wanted to share my storie to. alot of those stories brought me to tears. what i remember first about all this is ....being young..and feeling as if in a way i was a girl emotionally speaking. caused me to like guys. and somehow ive always known from experiences and such. im growing up in Utah....a very reiligious comunity and always felt guitly about myself waking up everyday knowning that its true..looking in the mirror thinking "you cant be gay you just cant" and i get guilty from what ppl say about the gay community here ive gont throught depressions over things to do with this over and over again. i just barely came out in my school. and have hade trouble some how it spread around. anyways...it got so bad that now im transfering school. and i just feel a emotionaly connection with the all these other ppls stories and wanted to tell my own. and i know how painful it can be sometimes to be gay.
Ben, 14.
Matthew
Hello... My name is Matthew... I am 15 about to be 16 and I know I‚m Gay. I have known for the longest time but because I was brought up in a religious family, I tried convincing myself that I was straight. I didn‚t want to tell anybody about anything. I would just tell everyone that I was straight and say that I had the crush on someone when in all actuality I was just doing it as a cover up. I found it weird how I told my friends I was straight and when I would look at "straight" porn, I was never looking at the women in the video; always the man. So as the world went on through middle school, I just made myself think (and everyone around me) that I was indeed straight. I even when as far as making fun of people for being gay because to me in my mind, if I made fun of them! , then I would one day not be able to be one of them. I don‚t know weird concept, but that is how it was. Well as I entered high school I began to have much stronger feeling for guys. I hated it more than anything. It was like a plague that slowly crept from the depths of my soul. But as I slowly began to realize that I couldn‚t change it I started having secret sexual activities with guys. And then on one the fateful night I came out to my best friend. I was amazed at how well she took it. In fact she was the one who asked me about it. And then she told me it was okay and that she knew that I couldn‚t help it. I was ecstatic! I finally had a friend I could be myself around and talk about all the things I wanted to talk. So I eventually, one by one I told the rest of my "circle of friends." And all of them took it really well. In fact most of them said they already knew but didn‚t want to offen! d me if they asked. What made me the happiest was that I live in the most redneck, close-minded part of the USA. And somehow I found the most accepting friends in my school. I am now happy with myself, I know I can‚t help it and it is a part of me that I cannot change. I am still not completely open to everyone in my school, but most people know and if they don‚t then it is none of there business so what does it matter if they know or not. I guess what I am trying to say is just be yourself and be true to yourself. If you do tell your friends and they leave you, they weren‚t your friends to begin with. And if they don‚t leave but don‚t know what to think, just tell them everything about how you feel. It really helps. And I could change a lot of things. I know a good amount of people who weren‚t accepting of anything until! they had a conversation with me. And now they are really accepting to a lot of different things, because they can see where I am coming from.
Liam
My Name is Liam, Age 17
Hi,
I sometimes feel very uncomfortable around people who have got something against people who are gay like me. Well at least I think I am gay, I have talked to lots of help lines about my problems but they’re not much help at all, as all they mainly say is when you grow up, you’re changing all the time and your puberty can get mixed up. Sometimes you feel attracted to the same sex and to the opposite sex sometimes. But I know deep inside my self that I am gay.
I try to force my self to be bi because I think people would prefer you being bi than just being gay, but I know that am gay and yes I am very happy with my sexuality. Its just like mark said I have to try to force myself into being straight when I’m around people who are straight there self’s and hates gay people. I feel not myself when I have to do this because I just want to be my self and be who I am. But I cant be that way if am around people who hate gay people. I also find it very hard when you fancy one of your friends and you know they’re straight. I have been very confused in the past about one of my friends as I have done a few sexual things with him and he always tells me he was just trying to see if he like enjoyed it with a guy or not. Then after a few weeks later he would try sexually things with me again and I just get confessed even more. I just want to talk to him about it but he always says I was just trying it out with a guy or some other excuses. Why cant he just talk to be proper with the truth. Anyhow I wish people would just accept gay people more, so then I could be happy and get on with my life and hopefully be my self, but my family don't even like gay people so how will I be my elf when they’re around me? It really hurts me being gay when I know that there are a lot of problems I will have if I tell people, especially my own family. It will hurt me bad.
Blake
Greetings from Australia!
I’m Blake, 21 years old and currently studying at a uni in Brisbane.
I nearly cried when I read the entry from Mark (13 – from a small country town in Australia) because I had the *exact* same experience when I was his age - I too lived my entire life in small country towns of Australia… until I reached university. I want to shed a little light from my life and hope that he, (and anyone with similar experiences), *completely* forgets those suicidal thoughts.
In short, this advice is based on my experience:
1) Although it really sux, school probably isn’t the best place to ‘come out’ just yet. Especially in a small school or country town!
2) If you do tell someone, be damn sure that you can trust this person. Observe their reactions to queer stuff. Eg. Conveniently invite them over during Mardi Gras when it’ll be reported in the news (or something to that effect like a movie that happens to have a gay dude)… some people say really mean stuff to be cool – so discreetly let them know you think queer is ok and see if their opinion changes.
3) Don’t try to force yourself to enjoy straight porn etc. Sure, take a look, but if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work! It’ll only make you feel worse! – I even prayed to god just about every night for like 6 months to change me cause I had a reasonably religious upbringing – I’ve changed a bit since then though. :)
You can like both (guys and girls) too though you know… but be honest with yourself – don’t pretend you like both. Just try not to stress about it so much at school. Easier said than done though I suppose.
4) I was labelled the ‘gay guy’ at school too. This was in a very homophobic town mind you… have you ever had a knife to the back of your neck?... not my most pleasant memory. I don’t really know how I dealt with things like that… I guess I was pretty friendly to teachers and staff, so I guess I ultimately felt safe at school. I had some really awesome friends too. They had no idea about my sexuality, but they stuck up for me.
5) Don’t skip school – it’s your ticket out!!
If you get really down, focus on something productive – like studies! Hide in that. Prove to the world that queers can do anything! Believe me, I’ve been there. My shittest (if that’s a word) year at school was in year 12. I had so much pressure from all the final exams, assignments, extra-curricular activities like musicals, drama performances, sport carnivals etc. In addition to that, I somehow managed to become school captain and consequently had so many extra expectations – it was just horrendous. I hated myself still at that point… I even thought I was an appalling role model for other students because I was/am gay! For a few months towards the end of that year, I came home every Friday and just cried in my room from all the pressure of the week and hatred of myself. Yes, suicide crossed my mind – multiple times.
But now I see that there’s just SOOOOO much more in this world. I focussed on my studies a bit more than others at school. I mean I was no scholar, but I did OK. That led me to a place at a Brisbane uni. Now that I’m living in Brisbane I can see the outline of a much more accepting, tolerant world. Sure, there are places, people and political parties that aren’t so tolerant, but there are at least support groups and opportunities to meet other like-minded people. Persevere!! Hit the books a bit so you can get into uni, or TAFE, or a good enough result at the end of your schooling so you can land a job in the city, or somewhere where you can meet people, live and just feel good.
Don’t think that it’ll all happen immediately when you leave school though… it takes time to find a job, meet people, develop friendships etc… “It won’t happen over night, but it will happen!” ;)
6) Don’t feel forced into sex. Don’t feel you have to go ‘all the way’… just a kiss from someone could be enough. When you’ve hit Uni or whatever, try developing friendships. Going out with mates can be more satisfying than some random ‘licky licky’. I find that having someone special is so much more rewarding. They don’t have to be your lover or boyfriend… but having a friend helps so much. I know few people who don’t have their ups and downs, so it would probably be rewarding to you as much as your friend.
Always remember your values when making friends. Just because someone’s queer, doesn’t mean you have to like them (or get with them). If you want some random one-nighter I suppose not much matters because you don’t exactly need to agree politically (so remember PROTECTION, not values!) But if you are to have a friend… you need one that understands you. So someone similar-minded will probably be long-lasting.
This doesn’t mean to be on a constant search for a replica of you, though. So don’t be anal about your values – be open to new ideas. My best friend and I debate ALL the time… but I think that’s healthy. It sheds new perspectives on things, freeing up useless issues and hang-ups each-other may have and allows us to further develop our ideas and values. Ultimately though, our values are fairly well aligned.
7) Don’t blame people for their insecurities. i.e. don’t do the reverse of what people are doing to you and hate them for them hating you. (confused? :D) Some people just lack education and simply don’t know anything outside their comfortable little world. We need to educate them, not hate them.
8) Everyone’s experiences are different. There is no single solution. So just be weary and careful. Read heaps of material and get online and chat with people – don’t make it your life though. That’s one BIG thing I regret. I spent soo much time chatting with people online, that I missed out on spending time with my family, being there for my little sister as she grew and my studies even suffered – my ticket out remember? The trap for me was that I lived in an area with no public transport and no access to queer-support. So whenever I chatted online, it made me feel good. I should’ve created a balance!
I wish I could just revolutionise the world overnight so life could be so much easier for young queers. Some people are really lucky and have a really open family and group of friends… but it’s unfortunately not like that for everyone. Conditions will change as you get older though and especially when you leave school, so just be strong – get that stupid ‘S’ word out of your head.
Don’t wish that you weren’t queer… learn to accept yourself! How can you expect others in the future to, if you can’t?
Jack
Hi my names jack and I think I might be gay but I'm not sure.
I have a friend and I wont say his name but we're best friends.
I’m not very popular at school though, and he is.
Whenever we go to one and others houses he’s perfectly normal, but at school or anywhere else in public and he gets...funny.
I think his other friends are telling him I’m gay (which I’m not sure I am). Now, if they are, aren’t friends supposed to talk about stuff like this? And if it bothers him that much he should ask, and if it does, why am I friends with him in the first place? He’s really athletic and he’s got a great body but I try to remember he’s my friend, cos when we were bouncing on my trampoline, his shirt flies up and down and I could see his flat stomach, and I caught myself just in time staring at it. My shirt doesn’t fly up. Is he making it do that or maybe he just doesn’t know how to bounce.
Someone said he’s never had a gf, but does that mean he doesn’t like girls, or they don’t like him, or he’s gay too, I just don’t know.
Anyway I’m going to his house tomorrow night and I want to talk to him about all this stuff, cos he’s avoiding me lately, and it was lucky I called him early in the week, before he planned anything to do after school, so I asked if I could come around, he said alright, so I’m going to bring all this stuff up when I go cos I’m sick of being ignored and of him not talking to me just so he wasn’t seen talking to 'the poof', (a name I acquired the day I started high school, for no apparent reason). So I hope he at least tells me why he’s been like this cos I hate it.
But I don’t know how to start the conversation, cos as soon as I say anything like the word, 'gay', or 'why', he'll change the subject or go and get a snack or something, so I need to get him somehow so he cant avoid answering.
Anyway, thanks heaps for listening
love jack x0x
Last updated January 23, 2006
