Sex education in schools tends to focus on pregnancy and reproduction, and sometimes looks at HIV and STD prevention. Information about being gay doesn't seem to be very common in sex education classes, which leads to misunderstandings rather than knowledge. Ignorance can end up as fear, prejudice and risky behaviour. A recent survey in the UK found that 90% of pupils said that their schools did not discuss sexuality in a positive way. This page is here to provide the information that is missing in sex-ed classes.

What makes a person gay?

No-one knows for sure what makes someone gay or bisexual. People often realise that they're gay when they're very young, while for other people this may happen later in life.

Coming out

If you're gay and you want to have an active sex-life, then sooner or later you're going to have to come out to someone. But it can be hard to do and difficult to know when to do it.

Being comfortable with your sexuality isn't always easy, and going public with the information can be really difficult. When you've accepted your sexuality, it's natural to want the rest of the world to be happy for you. But you can decide for yourself when and who you want to tell.

But it's not always that easy. If other people are out at your school, that can make it a bit easier. Or do gay people get tormented by their classmates? In lots of places, the words 'gay' or 'queer' are often used to describe something negative. This is an example of prejudice, and it's natural to want to fit in. Coming out in the wrong place or at the wrong time can have a negative result, but most gay people say that coming out on their own terms at the right time was a good thing to do.

Then there's parents and family. Coming out to your parents can be intimidating. It's natural to want your parents to know what's going on with you, but it helps if you know that at least one family-member will be understanding.

Remember - you get to choose the time and who you tell.

What are gay relationships like?

Adam: "There was the idea that relationships just don't happen - gay men want sex, not relationships... But then you find out there are people who have been going out with people for years. It seems exactly the same as everywhere else."

There are sometimes perceptions that gay relationships are just about sex, but there's much more to it that that. Gay relationships can be just as loving, just as difficult, just as fulfilling and last just as long as any other relationship.

What about being bisexual?

Bisexual people are attracted to both genders - men and women. Some people say that everyone is a little bit bisexual. If you're bisexual, you might have relationships with men and be attracted to women. Or the other way round. It's not true that bisexual people fancy everyone - they fall for people as individuals, just like gay or straight people do.

Steve : 'He's the best looking guy in my year, and he's also dating the best looking girl in my year. She too is gorgeous. It's like I fancy them both. It's really weird. . . sometimes when she is talking to me its like 'I wonder what she would do if she knew I fancied her and her boyfriend?'

But I'm the only gay in the village!

It's easy to feel like that if you're living somewhere not many gay people are out, but you're really not alone. There are telephone helplines on our gay and lesbian help page which will be able to offer advice and let you know about any services in your area.

What do gay men do in bed?

Peter:"I thought that all that men did in bed together was anal sex and that was disgusting... and then you find men who aren't bothered about doing that at all and no-one has ever tried to force me to have penetrative sex. It's much more of a loving, caring thing than I thought, too."

Often, people think that sex between men is all about anal sex - it isn't, but anal sex carries the greatest risk in terms of contracting or transmitting HIV. You can't 'create' HIV or an STD by having anal sex, but it is a high-risk activity. You can reduce the risks by using a condom properly. Some men prefer to use female condoms when having sex with other guys.

Using lube will make things go more smoothly and help to prevent damage to the inside of the anus - and don't use your partner's cum as a lubricant. The best lubricants are water-based - oil-based lubricants can weaken a condom and make it more likely to break. Try not to tear or damage the inside of the anus - this will increase the chances of HIV being transmitted when having anal sex or when licking or touching the anus.

But gay or bisexual, before you can legally have sex with anyone you must be over the age of consent.

Isn't sex between men dangerous?

No, it doesn't have to be. HIV was once thought of as a 'gay disease', but it's certainly not only gay men who are affected by HIV, and sex between men can be safe.

In fact anyone can get HIV, though in some countries more gay men than straight men or women have HIV. This means that if you decide to have sex with another man, that there may be a higher risk of being infected with (or passing on) HIV. But only if you have sex that isn't safe.

What is 'safer sex'?

Safer sex is anything that reduces your chances of getting or transmitting a STI. It's not difficult and it doesn't have to reduce your pleasure.

Viruses such as HIV are transmitted by body fluids, so to protect yourself, you need to keep your partner's body-fluids from getting inside your body - this means in your mouth, anus or in any cuts you may have on you. Body fluids include blood, semen (cum or pre-cum) and saliva (to a lesser extent). You can't transmit HIV by things like kissing or holding hands.

Safer sex also means not exposing your partner to any danger of infection. If you feel that you may have been exposed to STDs in the past, even if you don't have any symptoms, you should be tested to make sure you're not infectious before having sex with anyone else. And the precautions you would take to look after yourself will also protect your partner - if you want to have sex with someone, you should have enough respect for them to protect them. To find out more information about sexually transmitted diseases, click here.

Okay, so having safer sex means keeping your partner's body fluids out of your body. But this doesn't have to mean you can't have fun. There's still lots of things you can do. Kissing, cuddling, massage and rubbing each other, and penetrating each other with fingers are all fine, and masturbating alone or with your partner is safe too, as long as you don't have any cuts or sores on your hands - if you do, cover them with a plaster or band-aid.

Compared to anal sex, oral is much less risky, but there are a number of STDs that can be transmitted when giving or receiving oral sex. The general advice is that you should avoid oral sex if you've got cuts or sores in your mouth. The risks of this can be reduced by using condoms - and if you don't like the taste of latex, you can get flavoured ones.

I'll be okay the first time, won't I?

If you have sex with a partner who has HIV, you can be infected with it, whether it's your first time or not. If it's the first time you have sex or the first time with a new partner, it can be scary enough without having to worry about condoms. But using condoms can be quite sexy - try getting your partner to unroll it for you.

Sex between men is only risky if you have risky sex, and the more men you sleep with, the more likely you are to come into contact with someone who has HIV.

Some people choose to be celibate, some like to have many different partners, and others prefer to have one steady boyfriend - there's no one 'gay lifestyle'. A monogamous relationship is a type of relationship where neither partner has sex with anyone else. If you have a monogamous relationship with someone who knows that they aren't infected with anything you are at less risk of coming into contact with HIV than if you have lots of different partners. Whatever your personal life and whether or not you're in a relationship, being careful can be fun, and safe sex doesn't have to mean boring sex.

Last updated July 26, 2005