School experiences To tell or not to tell
Kevin How could it have been better?
School experiences
Tom: "You picked up (homosexuality) wasn't accepted ... and it wasn't liked."
Kevin: "Occasionally the teacher would bring up the idea of homosexuality and being gay and then it was such an amazement to the rest of the class because no-one else would bring it up. And then some really ignorant remarks would come from the boys, the lads at the back of the class."
Tim: "You're not going to get any help from school are you? Teachers aren't going to stick their necks out. Head teachers aren't going to stick their neck out. They're only just beginning to try and understand bullying."
Daniel: "The only mention of gay men was jokes. Even the teachers made jokes at my expense because of the rumours about me. Which is something that I found really hurtful."
Many of us hoped that we'd get information about being attracted to men in sex education classes.
Tim: "I was waiting and expecting to hear something about homosexuality, safe sex and different things in sex education. Maybe some information that could help me. But I got nothing. There was nothing."
Mark: "We used to have discussions in biology about the birds and the bees and if you come out and said, 'well what about gay people', they'll look around and think 'oh, he's gay'. So you just keep quiet."
To tell or not to tell....
Andy: "I'd say don't tell a school friend first unless they're the closest, closest, closest most trustworthy friend you know. One of the people I told let slip and suddenly the whole year knew. Nobody said anything directly to me but I did notice a lot of the boys suddenly weren't friends and they'd ignore me and they'd be laughing when I was around. Other people I know have had a much worse time than that, but it was bad enough."
Danny: "I could put on the act and not appear camp or gay, and just appear to be like everybody else. And talk about girls, and all the rest of it, which I don't particularly like but I had to do it at the time to stay in with them and not be shoved out. You had to put on the act at the time, especially in a school like that, so that people would accept you."
It may be hard to believe, but there are probably other people at school who are having the same sorts of feelings as you. Perhaps also like you, they are frightened of saying anything. (Other people do not begin to wonder whether they're gay or not until they've left school. That's quite normal!)
Kevin: "It's funny now because at the time I thought I was the only one, and yet now I see four of us 'out' at the gay club I go to. From the year below there's about another four that I see around."
Kevin aged 16
I wish that my friends at school had known a lot more than they did. A lot of them - the girls - they didn't really care. And that was fine for them. But a lot of my, what were my best friends, just clammed. So for my last few months at school I would always sit with the girls. Lunchtimes I never used to spend in the classroom because no-one understood. That was the only thing that was hard to come to terms with. Everyone's reaction to it. Like all my friends at school, they used to come and stay round mine. Ben used to sleep on my bedroom floor, and all that just sort of stopped, and we stopped doing everything together and it all just went. That was the only hard thing - why didn't they understand? Why was it so alien to them?
Ben couldn't understand it because we'd done holidays together and I would act as one of the lads. Like in the pub - we'd drink loads and I think it was just so hard for him. I don't think he could cope with me sort of going from being one of the lads to saying, 'He's nice' when I was having a laugh with the girls.
I think you need to... perhaps even not tell your school friends. Try to lead a double life for a while. And just sort of see if you find new friends before you just dump everything and say, that's it. Because I think it's a lot easier to be gay if your school friends put two and two together, without you just telling them, and them reacting harshly. Because I think they accept it a lot easier than if you just smack them in the face with it.
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How Could It Have Been Better?
Things that could have made a difference:
- open discussion of homosexuality in class (not addressed as a problem);
- open discussion of the oppression of gays and lesbians;
- role models;
- talks by ex-students;
- plays;
- books;
- teachers standing up for you;
- being taken seriously.
This list forms good, realistic advice for any school which aims at providing an education for all its pupils whether gay, lesbian, or heterosexual.1
1 Rogers M. (1994) Growing Up Lesbian in Epstein D, (ed.) Challenging Lesbian and Gay Inequalities in Education. Buckingham: Open University.
Last updated July 26, 2005
