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If you would like to add your personal story of living with HIV or AIDS, then please e-mail us with what you would like to say and the country where you live. Further stories of people living with HIV can be found in our stories section.

HIV & depression

Good evening,
 
I'm just curious why with such a wonderful website that you offer, that there is no support, information or advice for a persons well being and "mental" health living with HIV.  There is so much information about "treatment" of the virus, but how bout treatment of the person's mind living with such a "dirty" disease inside of them, as so many people still view it as.

I've been living with HIV for 4 years now, and I thank the Lord every day that I am able to be "med" free and still healthy as a horse.   Mentally however, I've been living in depression the entire 4 years and getting worse.  Of course my recourse will be lots of therapy, but I'm just so shocked that there is not more articles or advice or anything, on the mental health of HIV infected people. 

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Sharon

My name is Sharon and I live in Virginia, Here is my story.

At the time I was a single parent raising 6 boys, 3 of whom were mine and 3 from different areas. I had a good job and had just bought a new house. In the mean time I had meet a guy that was in the church just as myself. We started dating and loved each others company. I am a person that talks about things before I get involved with anyone, so I will ask questions about yourself.

I knew I was HIV-NEG. because I had problems with low blood and I had transfusions before, so I had been tested several times. Well I let him know this and he in turn told me he was neg. as well. We had sex but we had safe sex because he had not showed me his results. We practiced safe for a year and a half. Then one day he asked me to marry him and I said yes. (worse decision of my life) We then had sex twice unprotected, then I didn't hear from him for 3 weeks. When I did he said we would get together that afternoon, that was the last I talked to him.

His sister told me he died of full blown Aids.

God Bless You

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Talina

I've written my personal story on this site so many times before. As with any life story, there is always something new to tell. Well, to start with my name is Talina and I live in the Bronx, NY. When I was first diagnosed with HIV I was still in high school. I was in my senior year of high school and I was donating blood in order to get extra tickets for graduation. I was 17 at the time. During this time I've had 4 sexual partners. The guy whom I suspect gave it to me was 30 years old, used drugs, had unprotected sex with women, and he loved to have group sex. It wasn't until I received a letter from the New York Blood Supply Center that my blood reacted to one of their tests. I knew what it was even though the paper didn't say it. I cried that night praying to God that it wasn't what I thought it was, praying for him to forgive my sins and let everything be ok. Within a few days I went to get my results. When I was told that I am HIV+ I didn't cry. The doctor was expecting me to cry so bad that she kept giving me tissue. I told her I already knew what to expect, I was just hoping that I would have to pay for this sin. My life change forever. I knew what I had, yet I became even more sexually active. During my freshman year of college I was having sex with 3 different guys. One of them I was having unprotected sex. I never told them about my status although 2 of them did find out. I lost a good friend due to my sexual behavior, and that is when I decided to change my sexual activity.

I'm no saint. I go see my doctor regularly. Thank God that I haven't been on any meds. since I've been diagnosed. I try to take care of myself. I still need to work on my sexual activity though. I still have multiple sexual partners. I try to use a condom, I'm not gonna lie, I did have sex with someone recently and did not use a condom. I'm now fighting with myself to tell him about my status. Also I recently had sex with my ex-boyfriend from high school. He knows about my status and he has been a supporting friend besides my lover. We recently had sex and we used a condom, but the condom broke. Now he is worried that he may have contracted it and is planning on getting tested soon. For some reason though, I feel confident that he doesn't have it and I'm praying that he doesn't.

After finding out that I am HIV+, I didn't tell my parents for 2 years. I was worried that they would be mad at me, and would probably disown me. Since telling them, they have been very supportive. My whole family have been supportive. My best friend have been supportive. I just have been blessed to have people in my life that have supported me though and though.

Now I'm 21 and in my last year of college. I'm planning on becoming an elementary school teacher. I'm also a youth advocate in a research organization that does studies for and with youths who are HIV+. I now try to help educate others about HIV and hope that my experience will help create change.

Talina
Bronx, NY

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Amber

Greetings,

I am a 30+ year old mother of two pregnant with a third child and I have just found out I am HIV+.

Now some might think that your own husband will never sentence you to die. My ex-husband had been abusing me since before we married. I found the strength to walk away with God's help. All I wanted was to make my family work because my child needs a father. There are too many broken homes and I just wanted to be different. I knew he was sleeping around with other women.

I was living my life with beatings and abuse. I bought a new home began living in peace. Like so many I got lonely but vowed never to be with anyone but my husband. We decided to try to make things work this time and I got pregnant. A couple of weeks ago I was told the news that I have tested positive for HIV. This man slept around and I did not love myself enough to protect myself. Love blinded me from reality and now I must pay the ultimate price.

I look at my children with so much regret that I did not love myself. I do not fear for my unborn child because God has this all worked out. Ladies, I decided to live and see them grow up so that they can see that a life is too precious to throw away. My ex is still up to no good sleeping around and really does not show any concern about my well-being. I now love myself enough to take care of myself I am going to live! I say this everyday because it is not up to anyone but God when it is your time to die. I have asked for forgiveness and I know I am forgiven. Ladies - live for your children, this love will never hurt you. Those who do not have families live for the right to someday have a family.

Luv you all!!!

DO

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DQ

I am a 33 year old mother of three.

I was infected by this man I was in a relationship on and off again for about 12 years. I hung in there with hopes of him marring me. Well when I got pregnant last year, I found out that I was HIV+. When I told him about it, he just knew I was messing around with someone else. I knew I was loyal to him. Every time he felt like it, he broke up with me, mostly for dumb reasons. I've loved this man more than anything else other than God and my children. I'm utterly afraid and confused. I haven't told any one but him. So I am more than alone, I'm desolate. I don't blame God at all, it was all my ignorance, now my children have to pay the price. I went to church in hope of a divine miraculous healing. Call me crazy but its all the hope I got. The meds make me feel sicker than I want to feel. I am ashamed of this sickness or plague. I feel that I am the only one with this disease. Finding this website is a true blessing for me. I need you guys to help me through this, right now I looking for a support group. But until then you guys are all I have in this..........

DQ

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From my girlfriend

Greetings to all,

I am a 35 year old HIV+ Black lesbian. I have been HIV+ for 7 years. I became infected by a woman that was HIV+. I did not practice safe sex with her because I ASSUMED that I was the ONLY one (woman) she was sleeping with. Little did I know that she was sleeping with men too.

Since my diagnosis I have become stronger with a more POSITIVE outlook on life. I have become more patient, more humble and more appreciative of life and all it has to offer. I live each day as if it is my last. I take nothing and no one for granted. How precious these things are once we are faced with losing them. I also want to let other lesbians/bi-sexual women know that YES...you can become infected from another woman (if that woman is HIV+). PRACTICE SAFE SEX! DON'T ASSUME NOTHING! Your body is precious, it is a temple and we only get one. Guard it! Protect it! If I knew then what I know now........

But, life goes on and I am a survivor of incest, rape, physical/ mental/ emotional abuse. This is just another test of my strength. And for those out there that need strength, encouragement....I GIVE A PEACE OF MYSELF TO YOU!

Peace and Blessings to ALL,

STAY SAFE,HEALTHY,HAPPY,AND POSITIVE MINDED

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Candice

Hi my name is Candice,

I'm a 18 year old black female living with HIV. I was diagnosed almost a year ago. This is my story.

I had just met this guy, he was very sweet, he claimed that he liked me a lot. I was 17 years old at the time and was going through a lot of things at home. My family was just made aware that my dad had just got addicted to drugs, he was going out late and wouldn't return home until late the next morning. I felt furious. I didn't know what to do. Then that's when this guy came along and made me feel extra special. A friend had hooked the two of us up. I was a virgin, and I told him that he would have to respect that. He did but eventually we decided to have sex. We didn't use a condom. Almost a week later I got very sick, I woke up one morning throwing up and feeling very lightheaded. I then fainted. My parents took me to the hospital. We thought that I was pregnant. The doctors asked me if i used protection and I said no. They then told me they would test me for HIV. The results took about 2-3weeks. The whole time I didn't know what to do. Finally the doctors called and said that it would be critical if i didn't come in to see a doctor. Me and my parents, went to UIC clinic in Chicago. That's where they told me that i had HIV.

Me any my mom cried so much. I thought that was it for me. I really wanted to get in contact with the guy i was infected by. When I tried to reach him he told me that he didn't know what i was talking about, and told me never to call his house again, with such nonsense. I was heartbroken. Well after that I went through a lot of depression. I had to get therapy, cause I just couldn't get why someone would do what he did to me. This guy knew and didn't try to use protection. Now I am coping with the matter. I live my life more and more taking my meds everyday. I continue to stay strong for myself.

The only advice i give is that you should always use protection. If your partner doesn't want to maybe he or she doesn't need to be with you. Anyway to all people who once suffered like I did. Stay strong people.

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Martha

Hi,

my name is Martha am 20 years old am here to share my story of how I knew I was HIV positive. It was the beginning of this year when I started getting ill, I had a rash all over my body and I went to my doctor, he did not know what was the cause until I started having some blood tests. They came out alright for the first time but he said he could see some infection in it so he referred me to the hematologist, I went there for couple times, he did not know until he asked me if I would like to go for a HIV test then. I said yes. I went for the test and find out I was positive. He asked me if I had a boyfriend I said yes and I told him that I have been with him for 4 years. I went home and I told my boyfriend he was not so surprised and he accepted that I was positive and surely he might he might be too we started living together happily until he got another girl friend and left me alone.

But at the moment am not on treatment yet because they say am still healthy and my CD4 level is not that bad so am just taking care of myself now.

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TK

I'm 26, living in South Africa. I just found out that I'm hiv +ve exactly two weeks ago. What can I say? It's been a whirlwind of emotions, from feeling on top of the world when finding out that I was pregnant, to literally wanting to curl up and die the next day when the doc told me my test results came back +ve. I‚m married to someone I consider the love of my life. When we met, I took an hiv test, it was negative. He told me he'd recently taken one as a requirement to be accepted for an overseas study programme, and he'd tested negative. Since then, he said, he'd practised safe sex. I believed him, and asked no further questions. I found out afterwards that what he actually meant by safe sex was that he'd since been involved with just one woman since testing negative, but he wasn't using protection. A few months after we started having unprotected sex, I fell gravely ill. The doc suggested I take another test, I refused, saying I wasn't ready for the stress and besides, I was sure I was negative. I recovered slowly but from then it was one thing or the other with my health, skin rashes, new allergies, my skin has literally changed in the space of one year and for the first time I'm using concealing make-up and choosing my summer tops very carefully. I guess the warning signs have been there since I fell sick earlier this year, I'm educated on hiv and some of my symptoms literally had the warning bells ringing inside my head. Still, the shock of discovering my status is something I will never wish on my worst enemy. I thought my life is over. Ok I know what they say about hiv no longer being a death sentence but in my mind my life as I knew it, is over. In fact, I started thinking of ways I could end my life. My husband has been by my side all along, and he is just as devastated. I hold no grudge against him at all, I‚ve forgiven him. I honestly believe he was just ignorant about it all, just as I was - not making him take the test instead believing what he said. Before my husband, I had one four-year and one three-year relationship. I still believe he's the one I should be with. When I read what Rita said about being angry all the time, at God and at her husband, I was compelled to write my story. I just want to say to her ŒRita, please try to forgive your husband. I know it‚s not easy, I‚m battling just as hard to forgive myself. Like you, I consider myself well-educated and ambitious, we're both the same age in SA so I sort of know what kind of future we feel we deserve. The transformation in your husband is in itself a blessing that has come out of this situation, and through his renewed faith, you will also be blessed and in time, you will regain your trust in the Lord. Just the fact that you now have a beautiful healthy baby is in itself another blessing. As for our baby, we decided to keep it but after further tests revealed that my cd4 count was very low, my doc advised that it wouldn‚t be the best option to keep it as the chances of infecting it would be high. So I terminated it the very same week. I was devastated, I still am. I cry almost everyday and it‚s taking a toll on my health. But like you, I want to live, I want children in my marriage and I want to see them grow up. And sometimes I actually do believe I will achieve all of that and more. I also came very close to denouncing God and even questioned his existence in the past two weeks, but my husband, like yours, has been very strong in prayer and through him I'm beginning to come to terms with this and my faith in God is being restored. We have not told a soul, and do not plan to do so anytime soon, at least until we get a grip ourselves. We start meds soon and I hope that will be the beginning of a new and positive life for us. Stay strong and keep expressing your feelings.

Much love

TK

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Anna

Hello my name is Anna and I am a woman that likes to say that the HIV /AIDS virus is living with me because God and I are in control of this disease. I found out I had the virus in 1989 when I was having my son. I mean when that doctor told me that I just thought my life was over so when I had my son on December 31 1989, believe it I left my son in the hospital because I felt like he didn't need me so all I knew was to run straight to the cooker. Meaning shooting drugs. I mean I much of shot up all day and night and still didn't die so while I was still out in the street selling my body not even speaking about the virus this caseworker from Division of Youth and Families Service came on the block calling me - they even had a mug shot of me. I mean this social worker seen something in me that I didn't see in myself. She kept asking me to go back to the hospital and see my baby son, she kept saying you don't have to die from this disease. I just kept saying I am already dead, I just won't lay down yet. She got me to go see my son and just looking in his eyes I just started crying. My father let me bring my son and myself to go live with him and my step mom which she did not want me there because I hurt them so much they didn't trust me. So I tried to understand the reasons but at that time I was too far into them drugs. But when my son turn about 10 months I had got locked up for a drugs charge and by being in jail I learned I was having another child. That than really had me messed up, I wouldn't even let them know but see the officers was watching me so they made me take a pregnancy test and yes I was having another baby they tested me again, it still was positive but me being in denial I felt all out like this was the first time I heard I was HIV positive. Then I had that baby born in jail on December 8,1991. Soon as I had him they took him away right there and sended me back to the county jail. I mean I cried all night hoping my baby was alright. When I saw that baby boy some kind of feeling within me came over me like oh I wanted my baby. But see God knew that I wasn't looking at me I was in a dream land of denial. So than when I came out of jail I met the man I'm with today. Yes and I HAVE A SON BY HIM AND Guess What my Higher Power who I choose to call God today he has truly blessed me cause when I finally got to learn about what was living with me and that God and myself was in control of the HIV/ Aids virus and my 3 sons that are ages 13, 11, 10 was blessed and are HIV Negative. Today I know than that the way I ran for those drugs its the same way I have to run for my life now. Believe me since I've been in Recovery going on 11 years now I been hit with Breast Cancer in 1999 than in 2001 hit with Hep C.

July 23, 2003 I lost my mother and still I stand Yes things are rough but you know what today for me, Anna, life is truly Worth Living. So for me keep standing because it is life after death.

Helping Others Live Life Against HIV/AIDS

May God Bless You All is my Prayer

Love Always

A Woman Living Life

Anna - Family Advocate

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Betty

Its been sometime since I wrote my story. I just wanted to give an update. I was the Puerto Rican woman from New York who got infected in 1991. Since I told my story a lot has changed. I have gone through intensive therapy for the loss of my son who died in a motor cycle accident in May of 2002. And I coping with that a lot better. I believe that all of the turmoil in my life at that time (my son dying, my husband finding out that I was having an affair, ending the affair, etc.) took a toll on my body. My t-cells dropped to 500 & my viral load soared up to 9,500. For the first time since my diagnosis I was afraid that the end was near... but it wasn't. My Doctor changed my meds and I got my life back on track. The new meds (kaletra, videx&viread) trashed my body initially, the diarrhea was horrible, but my doctor wanted me to hang in there and assured me that my body would adapt. Remarkably it did happen the diarrhea went away and I began to feel better again. Today my viral load is undetectable and my t-cells are up over 1000, and I feel wonderful! I am at peace with my life and my self. I certainly believe that there is a strong mind and body connection and that could make or break our immune systems. Ironically my trials and tribulations have made me not only a stronger person but also a better person.

Finally, my message to you all is not to give up. Sometimes when I thought I was near my end I fought to hang in there, I took a pro-active roll in everything I could do to make myself better and thank God it worked. That is not to say that things will always go the way I want them to, but when they don't that's OK too. Today I can cope!

Love to you all

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Tafadzwa

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Koki

Hi,

My name is Koki and I live in Kenya.

I write this today because I have been through it all. What I like to call an emotional upheaval. I never thought I would ever get to a point in my life where I would wish for death and think of it as a way out of this nightmare.

I have an 11 years old son who is wonderful. He is my greatest source of strength and gives me a reason to want to go on even when I feel like I no longer have the strength to carry on. The father of my son got married to someone else when I was 25 and at that time I thought that was the worst that I would ever experience in my life but did I know that it wasn't?? - he is one of my greatest source of comfort. Ironic - isn't it?

I met this wonderful man in 1996 whom I feel in love with and we were very happy together. I loved him and though at first he had reservations about dating a single mother, with time he accepted my son and we were like a family. He promised to marry me three years ago but he changed his mind because he said he was not ready. It hurt me a great deal but I learnt that patience can be a virtue and never brought up the subject again. Two years ago he asked me to move in with him, I refused and told him that I believed were both mature enough to make a proper commitment to each other. He was 39 and I was 35 then. Then he started cheating on me with different women. The excuse he gave was that he was lonely and I was the cause of his cheating because I had refused to move in with him. I forgave him all the time and took him back every time he apologized. I wish I had not. I work in a hospital and I knew better than anyone that I was risking my life each time I slept with him but I loved him and I did not see beyond that.

Last year he cheated on me with three different women in a span of six months. I was so hurt and when I confronted him, he confirmed by giving the woman he was with the telephone so that I could speak to her. I was devastated. I could not believe that it had gotten to that. He had no regard for my feelings or respect for me at all. We had a big fight and I packed all his stuff and told him to get out of my life. He did not seem bothered because he told me he had found happiness.

I had seen signs that all was not well with him for a while. Running stomach, high fever and he seemed to be weak and tired all the time. He had lost close to 10 kgs. I went to see a doctor who ordered an HIV test. It was positive and I felt like the whole world had sunk. I was in a state of shock and cried for days on end. I went to his office and gave him a copy of my test results. He refused to discuss the issue with me at all and we parted ways. I made a point of warning his current girlfriend then, butt am sure she thought I was just being bitchy.

Since then, there has been no communication between us and I started to come to terms with living positively. My family has been great and so are my friends. I always have someone to listen when am low in spirit.

I prayed to God grant me peace and he did. At times I get really angry at God but I always remember that his grace is sufficient for me. At times am too depressed to even pray but I know God understands.

Since then my ex boyfriend has been telling everyone that he is negative. I know for a fact that he is the only man I had unprotected sex with for 7 years. Is it possible that he is truthful and I got it from somewhere else?? a toilet seat perhaps? Is he in denial? I suppose the only person with those answer is him.

I have forgiven him and hope one day we can learn how to be civil with each other. It would be a pity if anything happened to any of us without having resolved things. Part of me still loves him and wish him the best in life. But am only human and there are those moments I feel like strangling him. I know I have a long way to go but I am willing to go the extra mile.

The main thing is that I take care of myself and hope that I can live to see my son graduate from university.

I know he is not being truthful because unknown to him I know a doctor who had asked him to have the HIV test severally and he declined.

I feel better knowing that there are other women who can understand and know the pain of being HIV positive and alone. Its not easy, at times I wish he was there with me. Just to hold me and comfort me when sorrow overwhelms me.

My message to women out there is this. When an ex girlfriend warns you... do not take it lightly. You might pay a very high price - your life.

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Chan

When I was 19 years old, I decided to try making a life in New York City. I had a few friends there but no money or job prospects. I was extremely naive about men, people in general. Being from a small town, I didn't realize even in 1993 that women could be infected with the HIV virus. My friend had an acquaintance that would offer me a place to live in exchange for language skills and housework help. He was a very attractive middle-aged man from Brazil who seemed somewhat ailing from malnourishment. After a quick friendship, I lost my virginity to Antonio without the protection of a condom. He thought I was bleeding from my period but it was because I had never had sexual intercourse before. When he realized this, he demanded that I leave immediately. Just having sex for the first time was a shock but then realizing I made the biggest mistake of my life was even greater. A few days later I left NYC and returned to live with my grandparents in a different world. I know he probably had infected many women with this virus. He was charming intelligent and promiscuous. Women with very little self esteem, especially younger women like I was, are prone to believe someone would not want to hurt someone in exchange for a one time fling. But it happens everyday in the city. I have lived with this virus for 10 years without any medication. Recently I have been losing weight and feeling more fatigue but otherwise okay. I would like to tell all women to care about themselves and know you need to understand that men do not consider themselves accountable for their actions especially when it comes to sex.

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Kay

Hey all I am a 26 year old living with HIV , I found out about my status when I was pregnant in 1999 .As I am writing this email I am trembling , trembling because I am nervous that someone will finally read about my feeling towards this thing that is destroying me. I got involved with a man who was wonderful, charming and loving , We came from different backgrounds and no-one approved of our relationship especially my mother she did everything she can to keep us apart with no avail. I have a good educational background and graduated my Bcom Degree , while he was unemployed and on the wrong side of the law. I think at first he did not love me , but as time went on our relationship grew stronger, in 1998 I took and insurance which required me to have an HIV test , the results came and I was negative .I told him about the results he was excited and we celebrated, when I fell pregnant few months down the line HIV was the furthest from my mind ,when the doctor asked to undertake the test, I did it with confidence . After a few days I was called to the doctor's rooms by the doctor himself and as one lady writes " you don't get called to the doctors rooms for good news. I rode the train home and I was crying all the way, people kept staring at me and wondering what could be wrong . I kept on asking myself what I did to deserve this , I only slept with three man my entire life and a few months earlier I was negative . I told my boyfriend and that changed his life completely , he was supportive , changed his lifestyle , after the baby was born he proposed and we got married last year . He is now a devoted husband , Christian and loving husband and father , my baby is now two yrs old and I took meds on my pregnancy and she was born -ive. I watch my husband wake up every night at 12 and in the morning at 3o'clock to pray , to praise God for everything he has , but I can't . I can not even pray because I am angry , I don't know who exactly I am angry at My Husband or God , I believe one decided on my fate the other helped in executing the plan .But as I read these letters , I somehow get hope , because I am not alone , there are some woman like me , who have done all the right things in life but still have HIV.

I don't know where there I will ever regain my trust in the lord , But what I know is I want to live ,I want to have more kids in my marriage , I want to see my baby girl graduate some day . I want to love unconditionally again and I am tired of being angry . Cause all this anger in me makes me sad and depressed.

These letters helped me a lot as there is no one really I can openly speak to . Thank you for writing your stories Ladies

Kay

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Rita

I have read stories from other HIV positive people and I think I should share mine with you too.

I am a married woman aged 39 years with four children. I am a South African living in South Africa.

I discovered that I am HIV positive in November 2000 when I wanted to insure my house. In April that year, my husband was hospitalised and discharged without my knowledge as he was working away from home. I came to know when I phoned him. When he was discharged he came home for two to three weeks. For the rest of his stay at home we did not have sex which was strange and he looked worried.

Towards the end of June the same year my 1 year daughter who I was breastfeeding was admitted in hospital and it was pneumonia which I did not think much about its connection with her father's illness.

In October when we had to undergo the HIV test I was confident but my husband was nervous although he pretended to be fine.
One day when I got home I was got a message from the Doctor that we should both of us I myself and my husband) see him. It was Friday afternoon. What came right to my mind was that I was going to get the bad news. I only started to think back, my husband got sick and my daughter ……eish.

As usual my husband ignored the importance of meeting the Doctor and went back to his workplace. On Monday I called the Doctor and confirmed an appointment. I had to go there alone and I was told that I was HIV positive. I can't explain the situation I went through, you know I nearly collapsed, I went straight home to sleep. I only told my children that I was not feeling well. I did not have courage to tell them my status because I am only their last hope in life.

I took three days crying, without eating, until I felt that I was weak and could not do anything. That was when I remembered that I had someone special to talk to which was GOD. I prayed, I read the Bible from time to time crying accusing God of what has happened to me. You know from the readings I got courage, I told myself that at least for the remaining years I could work hard for my children.

On my own I think I am tough, I can handle the situation but what eats me every day of my life is looking at my little girl who is also suffering. She will be four in July this year. I always blame myself for breast feeding. I thought I loved her, look at what has happened, she is also HIV positive. I wish I could confess to her but she is too young to understand.

The reason I regret breastfeeding my daughter is that in February the same year I had to be operated and I tested negative. The other thing I suspect is that my husband did this purposely, maybe he was told when he was in hospital, that is why when he got home we did not have any sex. But when next he came home we continued with unprotected sex.

The people who know about my status are my two sisters who are supportive indeed.

I wish all the best for everyone.

Regards

Rita

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Last updated December 23, 2004