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This page contains stories from men living with HIV. If you would like to add your personal story of living with HIV or AIDS, then please e-mail us with what you would like to say and the country from which you are from. Further stories of people living with HIV can be found in our stories section.
RichardMy name is Richard, I live in Australia now. Where drugs are free and I live a normal life. If you can call it normal. I grieve still for my wife and child in Africa. I have a different problem here? American ignorance! Being +HIV = gay. Unlike Africa, I've nothing against homosexuals, but it's not me! So you must be a drug injector? No! I now have to deal with two prejudices in a civilized country. America refuses to believe natural sex transmits disease, yet alone US manufactured needles! I know exactly how it happened! Christine miscarried and was anemic, wanted to visit her nyanga, but me, being white and civilized, I insisted she had a blood transfusion. It was early eighties. Not the sort of thing anyone would do now? I feel so alone now; still trying to believe it wasn't all my fault? ChrisHi, As a gay young male I didn’t really know who I was and found myself craving the company of men and having sex with them without knowing their name or who they were. Sex with them gave me a momentary fill. I found my self skipping school to meet men and have hot steamy sex with them. It was killing my self-esteem and I decided to put my life back together. Well I found out that I was HIV+ around my 18th birthday. I was devastated because I felt that my life was at a complete end. One year later I found a friend that was around my age who was HIV+ and was working in a place where your status did not matter. I went to work for them as a Community Follow-up Worker working with HIV+ homeless clients who needed housing n New York City. Three month later I became a Case Manager Technician and soon a Case worker. Today I am celebrating my 21st birthday! I am a Senior Case Manager for a nonprofit and quality assurance associate. I am 100% Latino Dominican hot young and sexy. Although at time I suffer from depression I just tell myself: Although I may be HIV+ I still get looked at and can get any man I want (o’ so I think). Anything is possible I’ve been positive for close to 3years now and never have I gotten sick, I don’t even take any kinds of meds. Although there are times I can’t do anything; I just choke it up to old age! lol! Keep hope alive and help out your fellow HIV’er. Hope this give dreams to those who were like me: with out any! BillBill, Ontario, CA There are two incidents, which, at the time, I did not realize were precursors of my AIDS diagnosis. The first was when I was coming back from a Hemet book club meeting. Making a wrong turn, as I generally did, I was surprised to find myself on some highway or another, driving in the lane for oncoming traffic. I hit one of the rural mailboxes, and then got out of my truck to look at the damage to my side mirror. It was shattered. I continued on in that lane, hoping to see a familiar sight, when, suddenly, a patrol car came over and signaled for me to pull over. I did, and he gave me a Field Sobriety test, which I passed. He then let me go without so much as a citation! The second was when, one night, coming home from work, I had extreme difficulty in getting through and then locking two gates to the place where I was renting a room from a co-worker, Randy, another Security guard. He knew that I was Gay, but was not bothered by it because he was "Gay-friendly." I recall having to crawl on my belly to reach the steps, the porch and then the front door. This terrified me, because I had never felt like this before. A few days later, Randy noticed that my speech was nearly unintelligible, and that I had much difficulty in standing, never mind walking. He drove me to the Loma Linda Veterans Hospital, where I spent eleven months! I recall only brief flashes of these months, except that I do recall three ambulance trips. And, whenever I go back to the VA Hospital for a check-up, inevitably someone will come up to me and call me by my complete name. Then, looking at their faces, I remember them, but not their names. Thank God for name tags! They generally exclaim at how well I am looking, and with a variant of "You were one of those who gave the least trouble." I have always been an amiable man, even now at 63. I was diagnosed as in the terminal stages of AIDS, and relatives were told that my death was imminent. And just a few days earlier, I felt fine! Upon admission, my viral load count was 300,000. and Randy was told that if he had not taken me in when he did, I would have died within two days. The doctors there were willing to write me off as a near-vegetable, but not Dr. Ing. He felt that he could help me, and he did. He actually saved my life. He said that my strong will to live, and my self-determination helped. And my nearly-daily visits by my niece and nephew, and frequent visits by Randy and another friend helped, too. I thank God on a daily basis for His intervention, and for that of Dr. Ing. My dementia for that eleven month period bothers me, because I have always had a strong memory. But Dr. Ing thinks that a relatively new medication MAY help me to remember those lost months. In the meantime, I am quite open about my Gayness, and about my AIDS situation. For the past couple of years, Dr. Ing has told me that my viral load count was "not at a detectable level." So you see, I have high hopes for my continued life, as long as I remain on my regimen of MANY pills daily. My dear Robert, with whom I shared 23 years and two months of nearly always good times together, died of AIDS on my 50th birthday in 2000. Back then, there was little available for the treatment. And, he died rather quickly, less than a year after his initial diagnosis. I did not get AIDS from him, though. As soon as he realized that he was not feeling right, he refused to have sex with me. And I had not had sex with anyone for a couple of years before that, while living in L.A. Dr. Ing told me that the virus could have lain dormant, and then emerged when I was weak. I had been very tired with a part-time 10-hour job, and two other part-time jobs. I have been sexually non-active, through no wish of my own. But, living in one institution or another, there has been little opportunity have sex with another man. I was told by my doctor that it would be OK, as long as I used a condom. Now, to find another good man! I have a "civilian" friend, Julius, who is also Gay-friendly. He told me that he knows a couple of sites for AIDS-positive males wanting to get with others in the same situation. I can hardly wait. Four or more years of unwanted abstinence is quite a long time, especially for someone like me, who had always before had quite an active sex life. So, wish me well. I hope that this can let others know that there is life after the "Death Notice" that AIDS used to be, and that there is hope for all! Sincerely, Bill DonHi I am writing this story mainly to tell some one who I can't see to relieve the stress that I sometimes feel, by not being able to tell others (some who are close to me ). I was a Royal Marine for many years practicing both gay and straight sex, abroad and in England in the early 80's when H.I.V. was little known. To cut a long story short I contacted the virus unbeknown to me. I left the force in '87 married in '91 had two children, but was still drawn to gay sex, mostly giving oral. In 2000, I became very ill diagnosed with P.C.P. My wife was told that, at 50yrs old I would not make it! She and the children are all negative, we still have a loving relationship, I have no more gay sex, I have had full blown A.I.D.S. now for over 4 yrs, am very healthy, and hope to live for many years yet! I want to say that don't give up, even with A.I.D.S. You can live a good healthy life. Go and live ! Don P. SteI am Ste I am from Kent in United Kingdom, nine years down the line from the first diagnosis of contracting HIV. It was a shock but not really a surprise, we make our own choices and I had chosen to full in love and have my first true relationship with a partner who was unable to ever perform safe sex. We entered the relationship with this arrangement, I saw us spiritually so together and we loved in all ways in our relationship. Some times being gay and out makes things in life seem too trivial when you see you're still breathing the same air as the next person. I loved my life style my life and my surroundings, I wanted to be having fun everyday, in this I mean not sex just life's offerings, life's chances and all its special things it surprises us with. The virus never became me but I knew it was there, I took little medical advice but was responsible enough to see a doctor on a routine basis. When you see how it has changed attitudes and lifestyles and how now we can still stand up and say we are here and still proud and we act responsible for our actions this makes me feel stronger. It is only now that I am truly symptomatic and getting sick, it makes me more frustrated to be given so many untrue statements and facts in a clinic and to be made to feel its all going to be ok, when I know my time is nearing to leave the party, but to anyone reading this please don't think I write to hear sympathy. I am just a guy who has done so much and have nothing to be sorry for and my total honesty in all my environments has made it easier to be honest and tell of the virus ands also build a network of support from such a diverse group of people. All I know is I have come through many of the viruses attempts and will keep on fighting it to stay a bit longer and have fun and enjoy the beauty of life itself. so I am writing off here. BradfordLive and Let Live I am writing to you in regards to the HIV/AIDS stigma, fear and discrimination. I live in Vancouver, Canada, and I have been living with HIV for going on 19 years and actively involved in many HIV/AIDS issues for the past ten years. I am OUT about my HIV status, locally, nationally and around the world. I have a web site which allows me to be in contact with people all over the world. Individuals living with HIV, are not asking to be different. They are no different than anyone else, only that they are living with an illness and that illness is HIV. In order for people to come out about their HIV status, governments around the world must assure individuals that they are safe from discrimination, and those who discriminate/ or harm individuals infected with HIV will be prosecuted. HIV is in the news minimally when it should be forefront. HIV prevention methods are not working because people are not disclosing they are infected due to fear of discrimination. Who better to reach people than those who are living with HIV who are not afraid to talk about the fact that they are living with HIV. People need to see others living with HIV who are out about their status, in order to move away from the fear. World AIDS Day is approaching and this year the message is LIVE and LET LIVE. I am committed to doing everything I can in order to create awareness and break the boundaries of fear and discrimination. Many people world wide are out about their HIV status and many many more voicing they would also like to be able to live without fear and let others know they are living with HIV. Unfortunately, the fear of discrimination still exists today and this prevents many from feeling safe about revealing their status. sincerely, Bradford McIntyre Positively Positive JerryI am 57 years old and a gay man who came out a number of years ago. I was infected with HIV by having anal sex, and at the time I did not care. Alcohol played a big role, and gave me an excuse for having unprotected anal sex. When I was not feeling good and was passing out frequently, my roommate told me that I should go to the doctor. Then, after two days of tests, and a feeling of isolation, I went home on a Friday, AMA (Against Medical Advice). (The nurses told me that the doctor wanted me to get some rest and that he would be out of town for the weekend.) I thought "get some rest in a hospital!?", no way!, so that is when I checked myself out. On Monday I called my doctor and was told to talk to his nurse. When I talked to her, she said that I should make an appointment. The appointment was scheduled on the following Wednesday, I believe. This was in December 2001. My roommate accompanied me to the appointment, and we appeared before a panel of people, including my doctor. After a little small talk, my doctor said with a tear in his eye: "Jerry, you have HIV." He continued: "We have decided that you can plan your own treatment!" I replied, calmly, "Thank you, you bet I will!" Thinking back to that time, after several events, including AIDS related dementia, that I had worked it through while I lay on my bed that I was prepared for the worst, and it happened. The next year or so were essentially wiped out by the dementia, but this was not all bad. Today, I am a different person. All of the bad stuff has been left in the past. I was given the chance to begin with a clean slate and have not let my past draw me down. It also has helped me to define what I want to do with the rest of my life - Continue to help others and really make a difference. I thought it would be difficult to write this story, but I found out: If you tell your story in a comfortable situation, you are actually helping yourself and other people out. Since 2001, I have accumulated enough stuff to write a book, and I might just do that. So Watch OUT! Be safe and use condoms, Jerry Clark GinanHi I'm Ginan, I'm 23 years old, I'm Indonesian living in Bandung city. When I was 20 I have to go to institution which have requirement to follow the general medical check up, from that result I know that I'm HIV positive. I was shocked because I have to face it but I don't have any information or counseling about HIV/AIDS. First I was denial I couldn't accept the result also at that time in my country is difficult to find a right information for HIV/AIDS and I'm scared about social stigma to People With HIV/AIDS(PWHA) Until one day I met someone who is HIV positive too, who gives support and also can rise my spirit to face the reality of my life. We always share about our power, experience and hope to deal with the virus. Sometime I'm grateful of my self, cause my higher power still care and believe my higher power was strongest than the virus. Now, I have community who always support me and the PWHA in Bandung. We always together against bad stigma and social discrimination and we behave to prove that PWHA not deserve to get bad stigma and discrimination. Now I'm totally open my status and speak up in any campaign or meeting for HIV/AIDS especially to younger people who abuse the drugs with needles because in Indonesia the most high risk factor is IDU's (intravenous drug user) the facts come from surveillance in my country that PWHA coming from IDU. Now I'm coordinator for bandung plus support, support group for PWHA who have positive community for positive people. Thanks, Ginan HaroldMy name is Harold, I was diagnosed with HIV on October 24, 1991. I was 29 years old at the time. I lived in a very rural small town of Gainesboro, Tennessee USA , and in the late 1980's came to terms with being gay. I met and began dating a man much older than I in October 1989 and we dated until mid January 1990. In the spring of 1990 I ended up in the hospital with a severe ear infection that was very hard to get cleared up, but eventually was taken care of. I did not suspect I may have been infected 3 months before. I had had unprotected sex with the man I had dated. We had discussed HIV and he assured me he had was not infected, and I, having bought a life insurance shortly before, was tested and was negative and had not engaged in any unsafe behavior up to that point. I trusted too much in what the man had told me and stupidly went ahead and had unprotected sex. Two years later in October 1991, I received the news that totally devastated me. After having some health problems, I went to see an oncologist in Nashville, Tennessee and he asked if I had ever been tested for HIV. I told him I had but was negative but had engaged in risky behavior 2 years prior. The test was done and 8 days later I received a phone call at my job, the doctor told me the HIV test was positive and that I had 5 - 7 years to live and he suggested I find a doctor who would treat me. Living in a town of less than 1,000 people and a county of less than 10,000, I did not know how I would deal with living with HIV. Fast forward to today, November 09, 2003. I am still alive, amazingly healthy and a public volunteer educator in my area. I went "public" with my positive status on World AIDS Day 1995, and have since gone out and told my story and what it is like to live with this disease and that it can happen anywhere and to anyone. I have lost so many friends over the past 12-14 years, but I continue to fight for them and for those like myself still living to try and educate and to end the stigma that goes along with HIV/AIDS. A Long Term Survivor of 14 years & counting Harold Scott MattHere is my story, My name is Matt I'm 36 and live in Sheffield, UK. I was diagnosed HIV on the 26th of June 2003. When I was diagnosed HIV, words cannot express how I felt and still feel each day. I had one love in my life whom I was with for 6 years, I do not know how I caught the virus nor do I want to now. I believed whole heatedly in safe sex, so becoming HIV was a complete shock. In May I caught chicken pox which made me very ill, I want for the usual test and never expected the result of being HIV, Since being diagnosed it has taken a long time to come to terms and I still haven't. I have been to counseling but this didn't help me whatsoever, I had problems at work over the situation and nearly lost me job over the fact, although they would not say it was because of my illness I knew it was, at times I have felt like giving up completely but because of my new partner who has been a rock in my life, life goes on. I have started exercise and a good diet and don't drink too much, I am trying now to get on with a normal life, aside from the prejudice the nasty remarks, I'm standing tall. If anyone reads this and has just been diagnosed I know its hard but there is light at the end of the tunnel and just keep going on and never look back. I have come to learn to be careful who you tell as this causes major problems take it from experience. People at work found out and this has been hard, my family disowned me when I personally told them. the best point I think is only tell those you can trust like your doctor or closet friend. I want to wish you all out there like me the best of luck for the future. Matt Sheffield AndrewI was diagnosed HIV+ in January 2003. I was initially horrified and petrified, and felt as though I was an alien - a different and diseased person. I was horrified by my blood when I cut myself. I didn't masturbate (let alone have sex!) for a couple of months. When I finally did cum, I felt as though my cum was poison. Fortunately, I had a very close and knowledgeable friend at hand at the time of my diagnosis - who told me emphatically that HIV was a life sentence and NOT a death sentence. This was affirmed by a brilliant specialist physician I have. I am now focused on healthy living - lots of exercise, a balanced diet, and generally looking after myself. Things are going well. For those of you who have recently been diagnosed, deal with the pain and anguish - but know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. For me, the right path was to tell only those people who absolutely needed to know - my health advisers and one very close and knowledgeable friend. I didn't want to buy into the ignorance and prejudice of the general populace. The issue for me now is disclosure to potential partners. I would rather not, but know and understand that condoms break, that oral sex is not totally risk free and that medication (when and if that occurs) could be difficult to explain. For me, the jury is still out on that one. This issue aside, my HIV+ diagnosis has been a wake-up call and I am now doing lots of positive things. This is very important! I am happy. Deal with your HIV+ status, make the necessary lifestyle adjustments, pigeon hole it, and then get on with (and be happy in) your life. Andrew MichaelMy name is Michael, I was diagnosed AIDS in 1987,at the time I was not sexually active . However in 1983 I was ran over by a car in front of my high school and had to have a transfusion. I have had many health problems since. In 1989 I lost my partner of 10 years to AIDS, this devastated me. I lapsed into drug use so bad I ended up in prison. The reason I am telling you my story is because now my life has turned for the more positive. I now get to tell my story to Junior High and High School kids In my home town . This gives them the opportunity to meet some one living with AIDS not dying from AIDS. This concept took me several years to understand. I have even gone to the University of Wyoming to tell my story to nursing students and give them tips on caring for HIV/AIDS patients in the hospital or hospice ( I have been a patient in both). I want to thank you for your site it has been very helpful In my personal fight against AIDS and discrimination that I see everyday. I have used the information in your site to my best advantage in teaching young adults how to protect themselves and understand how someone lives with AIDS everyday. Michael Collins Positive ThinkingI have been reading the story of many + peoples and I have learned a lot about positive living. I am living in Australia and believe that I am very lucky that I will not die from HIV. Year 2002 was the worst year of my life that I have faced, the greatest life challenge was when my wife was admitted in the hospital for an unidentified infection. but later on it was HIV. My wife was admitted in the hospital and found that she had developed PCP. and all the doctors and the nurses and all the staff were great and she recovered. At the same time I was advised to have the test and found I was + too. but the greatest worry was my children's and we were lucky both our children's were negative and our hope of life rose again. But after we over come the past we were blaming each other because we both have a medical test after the birth of our first child and before that we lived together for about a year and had our test which were negative. Since I met my wife I didn't have any kind of sexual contact with anyone but my wife cannot believe me and tries to blame me . Now I am getting upset and decided to end our relationship because we got this problem from a mistake by one of us. I am sure I had no involvement since we met. I tried to discuss the matter and compromise but there is always denial. I believe it was better to live together for the future of the kids but I found it hard to compromise without discussing the truth. I believe that I will not die from this virus but my hope of life must not eroded by denial. So please from my experience discussing the mistakes is keeping a loved one for ever, and positive thinking is the best treatment. Take care everybody Thank you FredHi my name is Fred I have been HIV+ for about 10+ years. One of the things that I have been dealing with most is the fact that I am alone. I have my family and a few friends but it is nothing like having a lover. Since I have had this, I have heart problems, Gastro problems, high blood and a few more small problems. But I say with a smile that I have gained some weight. To be straight about 50+ pounds. And I think it looks good because now I am not a maypole. But back to the subject the thing that I miss most is having someone in my life. Someone that I can do things with and someone that can understand what it is like to be gay. And who can take me for who I am. And someone to talk to about things and to do things with. Sometimes when I have taking those many pills that I have to take I feel so bad and so alone. And then there is the times when I am with people that have lovers how alone I am. Or someone that is willing to understand how I feel living with this illness. If I had to make a wish it would be to spend the rest of my days happy doing fun things and going fun places. I think I will go now because I get very sad thinking about the many things that I have missed out on because of this and how many more I will miss out on. And the places that I my not go. I just wish that a cure would come to give us more time. Thanks for giving me this time. Love Fred. ShashiI am from India... Actually I don't know why I am writing this letter to you. I didn't express my problem to anybody till now. You will be the first person... I will start Here... My name is Shashi. And my age is 23(Unmarried). Three years before I was a very happy person. But since Three years I am the most unfortunate person on the Earth. Don't know how the God plays with the human lives. My family consists of 6 members. Me, mother, father, and 3 sisters 15,13,9 Years of age respectively. Father was a Private Employee, and mother was a housewife. Two year ago in the month of Feb., my family faced a road accident. In that Accident We lost our parents, and my eldest sister lost her both eyes. That was a great shock for our family, this incident led our family to a huge and drastic turn. From that day I stopped my studies, and joined in a small Job and took the whole responsibility of my family onto my shoulders. I am getting very small Salary. I am spending more money for the treatment of my elder sister and to run the family. Really I don't want to leave the world at this point of time, why should I go? This is not my mistake. I want to live like all others. I have to do a lot for my family. Of course I don't fear for the death, because it become compulsory for me, everybody has to die one time but I am going very soon. This is a great uncorrectable mistake of the charitable trust people. I tried to trace them but I didn't get succeed. I faced the problems more than this in my life. But my only burning problem is the future of my family. All of them are girls, and very innocent, if they settled in life, and if they have sufficient power to at live their own, I can leave them. But how can I leave them in this position? They don't know about my health. But physically I changed a lot, they are thinking as the change is due to my mental tensions. I don't want to tell about this to my sisters. And also to anybody, because if I tell to anybody that I have AIDS, after my death(I am scaring while typing these 4 letters), my family position will become more miserable, no one will even talk to my sisters, The people fears that much about the disease. I don't know what I have to do to save my family, I wrote a letter to the Government, for financial support and I didn't get any reply till now. The time is very precious for me. I am ready to do any thing for my family. I tried to insure my life but the insurance fellows are not accepting me to insure my life, if they accepts, my sisters can get some amount after me. I know one thing that some miracle has to be happened in my life, and then only I (i.e., my sisters) can get through from all these problems. I am waiting for that, because I cannot do more than that at this time. I am doing lot and lots of things to see my sisters in a good position, Of course this letter is also a trial of mine, I don't know whether u will read this letter or not? But one thing I am sure that my three sisters future and mine is depended on a simple point that is reading of this letter by you, Let us see how much the God plays with me I know that I will be definitely get benefited if u read this letter. Sorry for disturbing you. I don't have even a single person to share my problem. If u helps me in anyway I must be very much thankful to you need some mental and moral support. Unnecessarily I wasted your time. Editorial, the above account was submitted by non english speaking HIV+ man KhimToday is the last day of the first month - living positively. I was diagnosed on the 01 May 2002. My test was due, as I believe that a healthy life style includes regular checks of which the HIV one is a formality. My last test was done in March 2001, and this was negative. I was involved with one partner up to April 2001, and we were committed in a serious relationship. Then I moved into more demanding activities at work and the relationship took a knock. I was happy being single again and had friends around me, BUT I was missing that special person. For the next 10 months I was seeing a friend of mine, we both agreed that this would only be a sexual experience as we both didn't have much time for a relationship. But soon we realized that we actually liked one another more than ever before, we spoke about having the test done - I was fine, as this was a formality. One evening I again asked him "..what is your feeling about HIV.." and he mentioned once again, that he's ok with the HIV thing BUT that he would rather not know his status. How could I force him to go, as I knew that my test was due in a month's time? Then one evening he phoned and told me he's leaving for Cape Town (CPT), this is about 1.5hrs flight from Johannesburg. He just want to say bye and that he wants to know if "we" are still ok, saying that we will still remain friends while he's away. Six weeks later I booked a flight for a visit to him in CPT, on my way to the airport I stopped by my GP for results, he's a close friend and a wonderful person. He looked at me and I knew just then that this is bad, he opened so gently "...there's no easy way to tell you this..." and told me that my viral load (VL) was 13,300 and CD4 960. In a few minutes my life paused, and I knew then, I got it from my friend. The weekend away in CPT did me good. I spent time with him BUT I was advised not to talk to anyone for the next two weeks until I had moved into a clear mind of understanding and acceptance. I looked at things differently. A week after my visit to CPT I had to tell him - I was mentally ready and was surrounded with facts, so I was more at ease. I told him, as if I had to tell a friend I had flu. He was quiet for a few seconds and then said that he feels the same and would like to remain friends for life. I was very happy and satisfied with his remark, and I could focus on my postgraduate studies again. But things in my life took a bad turn two weeks later. I thought I could manage alone (and yes my VL and CD is great under the circumstances), BUT it is the silence thing that got to me, not being able to talk about it. This is not for fear of being killed (as portrayed by some media), just that friends might run for the door. My friend returned from CPT a week ago, he went with me to my GP and had the test done, but my GP had picked up some serious signs of a possible HIV infection during the general examination. He suggested we took two blood samples as this will help for the CD4 count (if he is positive). Two days later he was diagnosed but his CD4 was only 105 and the VL in the millions. Now we needed to find medicine ASAP, the cost locally would have been about $550 a month, so we made contact with a Swaziland clinic and he got his first month's supply yesterday for $80 (this is the cocktail). It was a sad time for him, being 24yrs and knowing that he infected me, we both then decided that we must live positively with HIV. Our future ahead: Be strong, know the facts and think clear! We are deciding on a new house to stay, and for the future we have one another and that's all that matters. Fortunately we can afford treatment, we live in the upper suburbs in Johannesburg and we have access to numerous sources of information, resources and support. We are both white young guys, and are working in industries that support and contribute to the financial and environmental health of South Africa - I sincerely hope and pray that our Government will recognize the epidemic of this virus in SA - and made drugs available to all to sustain a healthy life with the virus. P.S. Thank you for a great site, I got the URL from our company medical clinic! Regards, Khim.
Last updated November 18, 2004 |