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CodyComing out to me was more difficult in my head, then actually doing it. When I was 14, I came out to my grandmother, my mother's mother. I visited her during the summer and left her a letter telling her I was gay. I didn't hear from her for 2 or 3 months. I kind of got worried that she didn't approve, and had disowned me. I was 14 and a little dramatic, those hormones you know? So when I finally got a call from her I was a little worried and a little excited. What she told me made me feel comfortable with myself. She told me "You are Cody, that's who you are. Your name is not "gay", so people shouldn't just know you as "gay". They should know you as Cody, and being "gay" is a part of who you are. Just as is your hair color, your eye color, and the talents you possess." I have always known I was attracted to boys. I didn't quiet know what it was, or that it wasn't something most boys did. But I always knew. I can remember back to 1st grade playing "kiss chase" with the girls. Yet I was chasing WITH the girls after the boys. I had a crush on the blue ranger, and Randy (played by Jonathan Taylor Thomas) from Home Improvement. Hell, I played with Barbies and always wanted to fix my mother's hair. If gay wasn't radiated from me, I don't know what the hell was! When I started to realize in 5th grade that being gay wasn't accepted, and that most people believed it wasn't real, I started my hiding. I was pretend to date girls, I would hang around with the guys "checking" out the girls, looking at Playboys, and even playing on the football team. More like sitting on the bench watching everyone else play, but it was the same to me. I still had to wear these crappy pads, run way too much, and endure the pain of 5 boys pouncing on me. So when rumors started about me being gay in 6th grade, I was very uncomfortable. I thought they had found out my secret. In reality, it was just the pettiness of preteens. It still was scary for me. To see all the hate towards me indirectly, it was scary. So until the summer before 9th grade, I kept it a secret. I was so tired of keeping it a secret. I felt like I wasn't me, I was acting. I was in this stupid play where I was the lead role as a fake heterosexual boy. That's why I decided to come out to my grandmother. After that, I didn't come out to anyone else until the Christmas of 10th grade. That was when my mom found my journal. Being a nosey mother as most are, she read it. That journal was how I kept sane, and held my secret in. So her reading that, was as if we were having a face-to-face conversation. So when she picked me up after my Christmas play I was in, she asked me if it was true. She was upset. Not that I was gay. She was upset that I would have to experience all the difficulties of being gay. The hate, the judgment, and the barriers. My mother was the one person I was scared to come out to. I was scared she would disown me. Without her I couldn't tell anyone else. So having her behind me, and supporting me, helped me come out to the rest of the people in my life. I ended up moving to my grandmother's that Christmas. Having nothing to do with me being gay, more of a temporary thing until my mother could move down here. When I first got away from my old school, I emailed all of my friends. I told them all I was gay. Not suprisingly, 2 of them said it was wrong and gross. I wasn't that close to them anyway, I had moved away, and they meant nothing to me anymore. The others supported me, told me that kind of figured it out on their own, and wished I would have told them before. I was in shock. I made my first huge step in the direction of being myself. So I started school. I went to this school before, for I have changed locations more than Michael Jackson's nose. It had been a couple of years though. So when I moved back, it was like starting over. I remembered all of the people, but only a few of them remembered me. So after a month of settling in and getting comfortable, I came out to my best friend. We had been best friends since 1st grade, when I first went to school there. We kept in touch through all my moves. He was cool about it. His statement was another one I won't ever forget. "I don't see why it's a big deal. I don't run around telling everyone I'm straight", it made me laugh picturing him actually doing that. But it was true. From then on out, I told anyone who asked, and anyone who was close to me. With that, everyone found out. I've only had a few problems since coming out. None of them were major, just stupid remarks. I have more friends now, then I did when I was hiding. I'm more happy, and more whole. I can't believe I wasn't ever able to feel like this. No one really thinks of me as any different. It's Cody. It's not Cody's gay. It's Cody, and if someone asks if I'm gay, then it's a yes. Through all the problems in this country, in the world, dealing with the gay issue, I've had people to lean on. I don't think I would have made it if I was still in the closet. Depression probably would have over came me. I was very depressed at a couple of points. These issues going on right now would have been the end of me. But with the support of friends, and family, I've been able to see that being gay isn't a huge ordeal. Being gay is normal. No one can tell me different. James
Hi my name is James and I am 17 years. I've always knew that I was gay, well actually I started out by telling my best friend that I was bi she was really kewl with it. Time passed and I finally told her that I was gay her being my friend she accepted me with no problem. I really don't care who knows now that I'm gay. Because I'm going to be who I want to be. I kept this a secret for about 15 years from my mom. When I finally told her about it she was really disappointed. It really took some time for her to accept the fact that I was gay. I always told me that I was just mental, I didn't know what I wanted to be at one point I had a hunch that I would go back to girls at once. On my 16th birthday I went to this party and I really came out and since then I'm all open. Everyone thinks that if u comes out u won't have any friends that's not true. After I came out to 1 friend it was easy to come out to the others. They all still love me for who I am the friends that I had before they found out that I was gay are still my friends, Actually I have made more friends than ever. I do have a boyfriend and we go everywhere together. We really don't care who sees us or who talks about us. All we care about is each other my boyfriend is younger than me he is 16 years old. I love him to death we have been together for about 3 years now we love each other so much. I just want to say to those who don't want to come out it would be the best thing to do now while your still young. The hardest thing to do is come out while you're in your 20's. There will always be someone who is always hating on u because you're this way or that way. But don't pay attention to them just keep your head up and go your own way, I really hope that my message would really give some people some good advice. Love always James TomHi I was reading all the coming out stories and I thought I better send mine in. My names Tom and I'm 19. I’ve known that I've been gay for what seems like ages now. I went to an all boys secondary school- in fact it was a sports college. This meant that everyone was very much worried about me jumping on them in the showers. I told a friend of mine when I was in year 10 and he told me he was gay as well. He talked and have remained good friends since. But it didn't stop there. I told a few other close friends but one day in an AS level history class we ended up discussing HIV/AIDS rather than the German Reformation. Well one person said 'Its all them who spread it- those gays' to which in outrage I shouted 'WE DON'T SPREAD IT THANK YOU.' No one noticed to start of with but then someone pointed it out. I ended up leaving the class and went to hide in the music department. But my friends around me were supportive- in fact they had all guessed and they stood up for me. I ended up running for School Council- getting elected with the biggest majority, chairing the School Council and then becoming the first openly Gay Deputy Head Boy in the Schools 100 year history. I inspired others in my year and in the whole school to come out, as I wasn't afraid of what anybody had to say and was completely open. I won the respect of the Teachers and the Pupils. I did many things at my school lead bands, charity events and other stuff but I showed that just by being there that there was someone else in the same position as they were. One time however everyone knowing meant that I didn't get told off. Once people had got on to my school network and printed off Lesbian porn. Fortunately the Teachers knew it couldn't be me and before the Deputy Head shouted at me someone told him in his ear!! That was fortunate!! However I still haven't told my parents. My religion - being Christian- cause problems for me. Something I still need to deal with. However I encourage everyone to come out- a weight off your shoulders and you never know you could be an inspiration to others around you. Tom (Birmingham, England) AlisonMy name is Alison. I'm 24 years old and I live in Belfast, Northern Ireland. God, I'm 24 already. How did that happen? Scary! I've known I was gay since I was about 11 maybe younger. Since I knew what sex was anyway. Always fancied my female teachers and friends. But I hated being different. I hated myself for being this way. I self-harmed for about 10 years and am controlling it just fine now. I told my parents I was gay when I knew that I couldn't change who I was or what I was going to be for the rest of my life. But I don't think I had really approved of my lifestyle when I told them. They threw me out. I still talk to them. But my brother hasn't talked to me in 6 years. To cut a long story short, I started living on the streets. I got involved with drugs and it wasn't pretty. But I guess these are all part of growing up. All part of finding out who you are and where you belong in this world. Now. Well now I have the most beautiful girlfriend I could ever ask for I run a young lesbian group through a youth programme. I'm back at school and I have a lovely house and the cutest puppy in the world. This Christmas my mum and dad bought my girlfriend a present and got her a lovely card. Time heals all. I have never been happier in my life. I know that whatever comes back to bite me in the ass, me and my future wife will deal with it cause I have love and support. How can that be wrong? To all those people who have a hate for gay people. Take a look at what I just said, but strip away my sexual orientation and who I choose to spend the rest of my life with in private. You'll see I give to the same charities, I work just as hard as you and I smile, cry, laugh and love just like you do. The only thing that makes me different is I don't hate you for falling in love with someone. JavierI was raised in the rough streets of Jersey City, N.J. where the gang activity was on the rise. It was unheard of to be gay around gang members. It was a secret that was never to be revealed as long as I was to be respected in the street. My dad is a typical Puerto Rican male and machismo played a large role in our upbringing. It was about the age of 6 when I was molested by our neighbor’s son. As time went by I started having attractions toward boys and wasn’t sure how to handle it. At about the age of 15 I had a friend who was curious about having a same sex experience and as fate would have it we eventually became sexually involved. Several days after my father discovered I was gay and forced me to leave the house. I was an embarrassment to the family and he wanted nothing to do with a “faggot”. You see, as a father he felt as if it was something he did or didn’t do. Not realizing it was a personal characteristic I was born with and there wasn’t anything that he or I could do about it. Other than accept the truth and deal with the fact that his son gay. It’s funny he didn’t have such a hard time dealing with the fact that his other son was IDU, as he did having to accept my lifestyle. Hey I was stealing from anyone but that is not here nor there. I will say after years gone by things did change and now we have a better father and son relationship. As far as I’m concerned there is no such thing as coming out of the closet (closets were made for cloth). If I were str8 would there be a closet for that? Understanding who you are and growing as an individual to recognize where your sexuality is not who defines who you are in a whole. It just identifies your sexual orientation. For instance, I am a loving, caring, understanding male, who works for Hyacinth AIDS Foundation, educating my community on HIV Prevention. The fact that I prefer to encounter relationships with other men is just my sexual identity. StevenHi everybody! My name’s Steven and I live in the South of England. I have known I was gay since the age of 12, or since I started secondary school. I’m now 16 and really beginning to get my life in order! I guess from a young age I knew I was different from the other guys, because I used to hang around with the girls at break and lunchtimes, and I absolutely despise sport! I was also bullied at school, mainly because I liked reading and watching documentaries. I don’t see anything wrong with that, but it wasn’t seen as “cool" or “something guys did". Anyway, back to now. Steven xx RaulHey avert.org - My name is Raul. I'm 17 years old. And guess where I live! I don't live in Canada or the USA. I live in Egypt and I'm 100 % Egyptian. Yes, we have Internet and all in Egypt. I found this page during my browsing on the internet looking for people's experiences to learn from. I would love to tell you something people. You have no idea how lucky you are for at least being in a country where you can basically let go of the life you live (where you're known as straight) and live a new life as gay people. Where you can go to gay bars and clubs and search for someone you like away from your city or your district. Well I live in a country where people really discriminate gay people. Although tons of people are, but it's the most shameful thing to be. Being gay is like being completely different and odd here. You people at least have the government to protect you from those who cannot understand that the sexual orientation has nothing to do with who people really are. I figured out I was BI when I was in 5th grade. A major hotty was known for acting very gay. For some reason this really turned me on and I started fantasizing of him. Years passed by and I still live the half gay life and half normal one. I have had like 10 Girlfriends that I enjoyed being with all the way through. And I got to meet gay people who are not on the same level of thinking or mentality. See gay people you meet on the internet in Egypt have nothing in mind but sex so I was living the conflict. Should I try to forget that I really like guys too, or should I just live with the fact that there is another gay guy in me that I will have to hide til I graduate and go to the uk for uni? I really felt every single phrase you guys posted here. See I felt the same exact thing. And I thought that it's maybe my duty to cheer you people up and let you know that people go to jail in some countries for their sexual orientation if they have no contacts or if they come from a non-rich background. Cheer up people, some day you'll grow older and do whatever you guys think is right. ive today they way you do, and let the hope keep you alive for tomorrow. You guys will figure it out someday. JoelHey, I'm Joel. Me reading these stories here mean that I was searching for “coming out" stories, and this must mean that I’m somewhere in the process of doing just that. I’m going to be thirty soon, and I haven‚t done that yet. Here’s a story for you boys of how to make it tough on yourself, because looking back at things, it could have all been so much easier for me and for others. When I was 25, I kind of got into the ecstasy scene, which was at the time very popular amongst my friends. First time I took one, I thought it was the greatest thing I've ever done. By the second time, I made a list of all my fantasies (most of them sexual), and decided to fulfill them one by one. Somehow I managed to get into bed with a friend of mine from uni and a girl we met. There were no interactions between my friend and I, but it was the most intense sexual experience I’d had so far, and I had lots of heterosexual sex before. Then I tried it with two women, and it was good fun but not nearly as thrilling. A month later, I was away for a weekend abroad, met a guy in a dormitory who was gay, got together with him, and on my very last night, a few hours before I left, we were at a pub and I told him I’d like to try it out. He was 33, I was 25. We had sex, well, kind of, but to be honest, it didn’t really work out, although I came back home feeling very brave and special. A couple of months later, I met a girl, 3 years older than me, and fell in love with her. It was actually the first time I felt so strongly about a woman, although I had a few long-term girlfriends before. When she dumped me, I was absolutely devastated. That’s when a friend of mine from the past showed up, just moved into the city, broke up with his high-school love after 7 years well, she broke up with him. So we joined forces, sobbed to each other, helped each other, and eventually became so dependant on one another that we became inseparable. I introduced him to ecstasy, we became clubbers, did lots of drugs together. A group of clubbers started to form around us, and we really became kind of immature for our age when things started to get complicated and we found ourselves just shagging most of the girls in that group one by one, in rotation. Eventually we started sleeping with girls together. About that point, I started getting bad reactions from the drugs, with prolonged depressions and a constant feeling of something that resembled heartbreak. I went away alone for some time off in Europe for two weeks, and when I came back and he came to pick me up from the airport, I told him that I think I am in love with him. He dropped me off at my place. A week later he calls (he had practically lived at my place for 6 months before that), and after a few more conversations I managed to persuade him to try it out. We behave as a couple anyway, most of my friends and family probably think that we’re together for god’s sake, we go to family dinners together in the holidays, so we might as well have sex with each other, with no need to complicate other people’s lives. He postponed and postponed the big event‚ of us having sex together. A month later, he offered that we go away on a weekend and do it there. We went, and did it there, and it was the happiest moment of my life. Yup, it was as wonderful as that for me. He was shocked. Does it mean he’s gay? He doesn't want to be gay. The next month was just that, him exhausting me with all these phobias, and me finally collapsing, and he said he’s leaving, and I said that he should not return until he can say that he’s gay, and he hasn't returned since. I loved him like no other person in my life. For 8 months I was deeply depressed. I stopped with the drugs and saw a therapist twice a week, and that helped, although like I read in other stories here, my therapist also told me that I wasn’t gay. It was the drugs, the new freedom, me not partying enough in high school, us spending too much time together in an emotional point in our lives. About 5 months after he left me, I talked with a friend of mine, and he suggested that I meet his friend, whom I kind of knew, who was also ‘undecided’. I met him a few times, but he was almost as hysterical and phobic as my boyfriend. It was bad for me. After that experience, I decided to quit my job and go traveling for a while, deciding once and for all what’s up with me. For the entire duration, I kept on having sex with other girls, although never as part of an emotional relationship. I went to India for three months. The last month was spent with a French guy, whom on our second night sharing a room together in the Himalayas, turned out to be bisexual. We had a good time together, and I checked everything I could possibly want to check, and after a month I woke up one morning and told him I’m off to America. I left the room to buy tickets, and when I was back he was gone. I came to America feeling great. I immediately felt that I made the right decision, as we fell in love instantly. This love was mutual unlike my last two. We had great 4 months together, when I get a call that my dad died unexpectedly. I apologize if it’s starting to sound like a soap at this point, but it is all true. I came back home, and had to manage my dad’s business for a full year, and my girlfriend came here with me. Towards the end of that year, we married. After my obligation to my family ended, we went traveling, and I took my wife to India , of all places. At one point we met a gay guy that started traveling with us. Sad, but I had a real crush on him. My relationship with my wife started deteriorating at that point, and eventually she ended up going back home two weeks before me, because we ‘needed some time apart’. Mind you, I never did anything with that guy; I told him, and he asked what I wanted to do about it, and I said that I can’t do anything now. She left me a month and a half ago, and I went to stay with friends in London until she finds her own place. I sobbed for three days, and on the forth I told my friends that I think I’m gay. They were fine with it. During the month I stayed with them, I started thinking gay. I didn’t force it (like before, maybe) it just happened. I feel great. My wife and I are getting a divorce next week, and we are both fine. We see each other every day, and we both don‚t feel the heartbreak we have both experienced before. Last week, my wife told me that she feels like I’m a member of her family or something, more than her husband. I told her I feel the same way about her. In 5 days I’m moving to London to start over. I have a part time job lined up to start me off and some savings, and although I haven’t ‘come out’ yet to others, apart from my friends in London , I feel out. Admitting it in front of myself was the hardest thing for me. I feel I inflicted misery on myself and on others for too long, and I feel like a great burden has been lifted off my shoulders simply as an outcome from the fact that I stopped doing so. Why have I made it so complicated is something I still have to further think about before I find the answer. Probably something to do with background (Jewish), the way I was brought up and the way I regard myself clashing with the way I imagined gay people to be. I’m sorry about everything I did to others, but at least I’m happy about the outcome. I AM GAY! I’d love to get comments from anyone who has anything to say about my story. In particular, I am very hesitant about how and when I should let my ex-wife know, if at all. I love her and will always love her, and don’t want to hurt her anymore ever again. I’m also curious about how it is being gay in London; I’ve never gone out to gay places before, and I’m completely unfamiliar with many issues that may seem banal to you. Final word don’t try this at home. Be brave and frank enough with yourself. You won’t die from telling the truth, and being not ready yet is simply wasting time. GinaHeya girlies! I'm Gina. I'm 17 and I'm a lesbian... well, I think I'm a lesbian anyway. I first realized that I fancied girls when I was about 12. It wasn't a big deal; in fact I don't think I really thought about what it meant until about six months later when I put two and two together and thought, "hold on... I'm a girl... I fancy girls... that must mean I'm a lesbian!" I realize that must seem pretty dumb, but I guess it just wasn't something that really bothered me. I didn't really struggle coming to terms with being gay. Actually I found it all rather exciting! It got to the point when I would watch films and find that I was just eyeing up the hot women and hadn't even noticed the guys at all! This is when I decided that I should tell someone about how I felt. I was sick of having to stay quiet when my friends were talking about boys they liked. The first person I told was my best friend Emily when I was 14. I said I was bisexual rather than lesbian as I still wasn't entirely certain. She just gave me a big hug and then started jumping up and down saying how she had always wanted a gay friend and how it would be really cool! Heehee! She asked if she could tell our other close friend Jeni and I agreed. Jeni just said "That's cool if its what you want" and that was that. It didn't faze her at all. My next experience of coming out was not quite so easy. It was my 15th birthday and coincidentally some girls in my year had decided to throw a big party that night. At the party I was feeling really down because the girl I really fancied was there with her boyfriend. I was drinking all night and because I was on such a downer I didn't realize quite how much I was actually drinking! By midnight I was totally paralytic! I have no memory of what happened (thank God!) but I managed to piece it together pretty well from what everyone at school was whispering about the next day. It seems I had burst into tears, told everybody at the top of my voice that I am a lesbian and then confessed my love to the girl I really fancied. The next day at school was the most humiliated I have ever felt in my entire life! All my friends who had found out that night were really supportive and even Saira, the girl I fancied, was really sweet about it. She said that she really liked me and would love to be friends but nothing more. There were also some people who just laughed at me and called me horrible names. I couldn't look anyone in the eyes properly for days! I was the first person at my school to come out so people were generally quite shocked by it, but I found that as time went by they came to accept it more and more. It gave others the courage to start coming out too (all guys unfortunately!!) Now that all my friends and my school had accepted me, my next mission was to tell my parents. To begin with I wasn't that worried about it. I kept putting off telling them... not because I was worried about their reaction, but just because I couldn't say the words "I am gay" now that I wasn't drunk. I guess I was ashamed! I hated having secrets from my parents because we had always been really close, but I just assumed that when I decided to tell them they would be fine about it. Oh how wrong I was!!!!! It was just before Christmas when I was 16 that I decided to tell them. I was sat in my room listening to an album by a new lesbian singer, Alex Parks, who had come out to the nation live on television. All of a sudden I was struck by a moment of madness in which I thought, "You know what! If Alex can do it then so can I!" So I sat and wrote my parents a letter. I left the letter on the kitchen table and told them to read it once I had gone to bed. Sure enough, about an hour after I'd gone to bed my mum came creeping into my room. She tried to talk to me but I pretended to be asleep so I didn't have to confront her. She just whispered, "Its ok" in my ear and then left. In my letter I had specifically written that I didn't want them to just tell me it is ok if really they don't think it’s ok at all. So for a while I believed that it really was ok. But then, after Christmas a close friend told me that he was bisexual and we started going out to gay clubs together. My parents were not happy about it at all! My mum started to blank me completely. This went on for about three months before I decided to confront them about it. First I asked my dad if it was the fact that I was gay that had made my mum go all weird on me. He said he didn't know and gave me a big hug. I hugged him tight and just said, "I'm sorry" to which he answered, "Sorry for what? For being you?" When I said yes he told me that I should be whoever I want to be and take the time to figure out who that person is. Later on I confronted my mum. That did not go so well! First of all she denied that anything was wrong, but then she just glared at me straight in the eye and told me that I had changed, that I wasn't her little girl anymore, she didn't know me or understand me anymore. She said we'd never be able to have the same relationship again and told me that I've brought shame on the family. She said "You've wrecked your brother's life! What will I tell him? What will I tell all the extended family?" I burst into tears and that made her cry too (which was better than the stony face she had worn for the past three months!). She's not at all homophobic and had always thought she'd be fine if one of her children came out as gay, but she just found that she could not accept it at all. It made it harder because I couldn't just be angry with her for being homophobic. Instead I felt guilty for being so much trouble. Our relationship is better these days but I have a feeling that's only because I have not been to any gay clubs or mentioned anything about my lesbianism for several weeks. She's fine with me because she can pretend that I never said anything and that I'm 'normal'. I'm dreading the day I bring a girlfriend home to meet her because I know it'll upset her, but I am who I am and I'm not going to hide it just to make her happy! She'll either gradually come to terms with who I am or will have to accept the fact that she is no longer a part of my life! It's sad, but unfortunately that's the way it has to be. I'm sorry this turned out to be sooo long! I just hope it's helpful to those of you still in the closet. Don't be put off by my mum's reaction. Sadly, with the good we've got to accept the bad too. But the great feeling of just being who you are and knowing that people love you for just being yourself… that wonderful feeling far outweighs the down side of losing a few people. Just remember, you can't be happy unless you're being you!!!! Good luck girls xx CalebI came across this website and I see myself in many of these stories. I've been in the "closet" for a while. I'm not very open about who I really am, I don't think I could ever come out any time soon. I often wonder how it is that some people have the guts to just let it out. I fully understand that it all depends on the friends, family, and community you live in. Ever since the early age of 12 or 13, I knew I was bi/gay because I had an older friend who kind of introduced me to being with a guy. I sometimes regret every letting anything happen, but what ever happened is in the past, and it happened for a reason, and I shouldn't question it. My friends are all great people, mostly all the people that I hang out with, I've know a while and I know they wouldn't be so accepting of me if they knew I was gay. I see those that are out and I sometimes envy them. If only my life was as easy to just come out. I don't want to let my parents down, and I'm scared that they'll somehow be so disappointed that they'll just shun me completely away from them. The problem resides in our religion. It's completely forbidden to be "gay" or a "homosexual." It's seen as a sin and yeah, how could I ever be accepted for who I am. It's something that I'll have to live with until I know I can no longer live my life as someone that I'm not. I wish everyone who's in the same or similar situation the best of luck, I know I need it. Caleb CodyHi my name is Cody I'm 19 and have been a lesbian since i was 13 years old i just recently came out to my family with the help of my partner. it was a hard but good thing i opened my families eyes because now one of us is gay. they still are not too cool with my decision but they still love me. my younger family members all about my age have accepted me and my partner the only thing they see is a lil bit of an age difference she is 23 but other than that my family is pretty cool. Which really surprised me I am from a very religious hell fire and brimstone style native American family. but I know it sounds weird but I thank god everyday for my beautiful partner and for him blessing me with her love. I'm proud to be a lesbian!!!!!!! IainI have just read some of the personal stories on your site and shed more than a few tears, whether for the boys who have written about themselves or for myself I really don't know. I, like most of the boys, have known that I prefer guys most of my life however I am approaching 60 now and back in the 50's/60's gay was not a word in common currency and the topic was never discussed in any forum I had access to. It may surprise many of your contributors to learn that I never realised I was "gay" or that there were many other guys just like me until I was in my 30's!! I attended an all boys secondary school.I could have been artistic, I wanted more than anything to be an actor or dancer, but the chance was denied to me and I became an engineer. Although not particularly attracted to girls physically I accepted that I needed to get married and did so when I was 26, although I did tell my future wife that I was attracted to men. We had two children before the divorce, a divorce caused through lack of sex and my stormy temper ( the result I guess of years of sexual frustration). We are still friends and now have three fabulous grand children. Shortly before we separated I discovered a newspaper called Gay News, which was then a full broadsheet edition. It was Gay News that introduced me to the gay scene, until then I had no idea I was not alone. After separation I of course entered the gay scene and was horrified, I had never seen guys kissing before and it really repulsed me. Eventually I accepted all of these gay things and became I suppose a gay man although I am still not comfortable with public displays of gay affection. Naturally I had boy friends or rather casual sex partners at first until I met someone special, he and I made real love for my first time ever and after the passion I burst into tears and cried my heart out! The emotional relief was unbelievable. Since then I have lived as a couple with 3 other guys, the longest 10 years and although I know I am truly gay I still am very straight in so many ways, ways which at times make it difficult for a male partner to understand me. Most of my friends and family know and it is not a topic of conversation. But at least I am living how I want to live. I guess what I want to say is a) congratulations to you for letting guys get it off their chest and others to read and understand the experiences, and b) to tell all those young guys out there that they are very lucky indeed to have the chance to know they are gay/bi and to discuss it with others even through a web page, I and many older men were never given the chance to come to terms with the truth and it has often blighted us for the rest of our lives. You are what you are, nothing will change it. Trying to tread a path you are not designed to follow will mostly only end up causing you more pain and confusion. Be true to yourself and learn to love the person you really are. Iain BrianI suspected that I was gay when I was still a child. At the time, I didn't know what gay meant. I had no clue about homosexuality. But I was aware that I was not at all like other boys. I was shy, timid and sensitive. I had no interest in, or aptitude for sports, contact sports or otherwise, and never felt comfortable around boys. Once puberty hit, I suddenly began to suspect why. I now felt an intense attraction to other men, as well as a desire to cross-dress. By this time, I had heard the word 'gay' as well as less positive words like 'fag' and 'fairy', and knew that they denoted a homosexual. I also knew that those words applied to me. At the time, I did not want others to know of my homosexuality, but I had an uncontrollable urge to proclaim it, so I took the long way home from school, and, when I felt it was safe to do so, I would limp my wrist, and shake my hips in imitation of how a 'fag' was supposed to behave. After all, my only exposure to homosexuals at the time was in the movies and on television, and, at the time when I was first experiencing my sexual awakening, lisping, limp-wristed stereotypes were the norm. I secretly wanted to be seen, and, on several occasions, I was. Later, however, when I entered college as a non-traditional (meaning 'older') student, I gradually became more open. Spending so much time at the library to do research, I spent a lot of time looking in the gay and lesbian section, wondering if I would dare be seen in that area, or if I would ever have the nerve to check out a gay title. Before long, I was doing just that, and very deliberately made sure I was stopped by the female security guard on my way out. She wanted to see what was in my bag. She saw the gay books, and was as embarrassed as I was, but I had come out a bit and was happy to have done so. Before long, I was rather casually checking out such titles as 'The Joy of Gay Sex', 'The Gay Book of Lists', and 'Gay Sex: A Manual for Men Who Love Men'. I often felt embarrassed afterward, but realized that this is who I am - a homosexual. I became more and more comfortable with my sexual orientation, and was soon going out of my way to reveal it, as well as admitting to it. Now I am out of the closet for good. It feels good, too. We must all accept ourselves for who and what we are. I am gay. I am glad to be gay. Brian MichaelI am writing to offer a slightly (dare I say it?), older perspective. I am 28 and working in Boston. Like practically all of you, I have always felt different, even as young as age four. Although I did well in school and was well-liked, I always suffered from low-self esteem and later on, depression. I have been in and out of counseling for years. On a handful of occasions, I worked up enough courage to suggest I might be gay. Sadly, the best assessment I received was, "You aren't gay. You just have a fine appreciation for the male form." HA! To think I paid for that advice...Anyway, this went on for years. I dated girls but I always felt so dead and empty inside that I would break things off. I don't know why or how, but suddenly, about a year ago I finally began acknowledging the bitter truth: I was gay. This prompted hours of searching on the internet for information and resulted in my checking out guys in those personal ads. I posted my own ad to see what would happen. I got an email from a very good-looking guy who after awhile asked me out. He cooked me dinner and I ended up sleeping with him on the first date! Now, this definitely is not the safest way to clear up confusion, but it certainly was effective! I never felt so alive. It was completely natural. It was absolutely electric. After two dates, the guy gave me the ol' "I am too busy to start anything now..." That's okay, because shortly thereafter I received a new response. We emailed back and forth and arranged to meet for coffee. The moment I saw him I was putty. I could not stop looking into his eyes. That was last year and we dated for 10 months. I have never known happiness and love like this my entire life. I never thought it would ever happen for me. This past year has been a powerful validating experience. I know I am gay and I have accepted it. It is me. It is who I am. Take me or leave me. I have managed to come out to a few close friends and luckily they have all been very supportive. My parents don't know yet, though I bet they have suspected for a long time. Unfortunately, my tale doesn't have a happy ending. My boyfriend broke up with me one week ago and I have been absolutely devastated. He is the same age as me and similarly didn't come out to himself until his mid 20's. He recently began struggling again with the gay/straight question and requested time apart so he could figure things out. He's gay. His story is too similar to all of ours. But, this just shows how difficult it is to reach the point of not only accepting yourself, but loving yourself for who you are. I am getting there. You all will too. ClaireI'm Claire, and I'm 17 years old. I first thought about the possibility of my being gay when I entered my sophomore year in high school. It was an extremely depressing time for me because I was confused about who I was or what people wanted me to be. I am not a self-absorbed person, but now I know that it only matters how I feel and see myself, not others. As long as I'm happy, then I will be successful and have an enjoyable life. I had a girlfriend for a while, and we got along pretty well. Both of us are out to our friends as bisexual (or entirely lesbian depending on the day!). I was so scared at what my friends would think or say but they've been pretty understanding, and now everything is fine. Of course, the whole school knows now (its private, of course) and that was really hard to deal with at first with all the rumours flying about me, but now I realize that none of them matter. My parents were a different story. When I told my mom, she cried and said she didn't want that for me. Then she told my dad- who, in turn, decided that I should no longer be allowed to spend the night out or have people over for the night. I was ANGRY. But now they're over it and they know its my business, not theirs. Its hard for the first couple of months, being confused and having that inner argument with yourself over whether or not to come out, but in the long run, it made me feel better about myself for being honest. And now my life is fairly all right! JafHi, my names Jaf. I'm 22 and I'm from the Philippines. I found out I'm gay during college when I met this guy who was really fun to be with. We often hang out with each other. One night, while driving around our campus, he told me that he would like me to be his boyfriend. He then leaned over and kissed me. I was really shocked but I didn't resist his advances neither. In fact I liked his kiss. I told him that Id think about it for a minute. I was very open to the idea and since i enjoyed his company very much, I said yes. I was never confused about being gay. I came out to myself and to my friends. My family doesn't know; they wouldn't understand. Filipino culture accepts gay sons in families but it will take time before the whole society will be able to absorb them in the mainstream. Yours truly, Jaf Last updated March 9, 2005 |